funny opening lines best man speech

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Your Inspiration

30 Brilliant Opening Lines for Your Best Mans Speech

Author: Hollie Bond

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Looking for the perfect best man speech opening lines to delight wedding guests? We’ve rounded up 30 of the funniest opening lines for every style of best man speech here.

Staring at a blank piece of paper with no idea of how to start your best man speech ? It’s a situation that pretty much every best man before you has been in before, so you’re certainly not alone. The beginning of a speech is always the hardest bit to get right, but once you’ve nailed that first sentence and won over the wedding guests it’s all plain sailing from there.

It’s important to spend some time and effort thinking about your audience, the happy couple, and the sort of icebreaker that will work best for them and you. Remember to play to your strengths. If you’re not a natural comedian then steer clear of too many best man speech jokes and opt for something charming, self-deprecating, or heartfelt instead.

Whatever type of best man wedding speech you’re hoping to deliver for your best friend, there’s an icebreaker to suit. We’ve compiled 30 of our favorites below that work at all types of weddings. Choose one of these best man speech openers to get your speech started in style and then read our ultimate guide to writing a best man speech to ensure the rest of your speech is as brilliant as that opening sentence.

Best Man Speech Openers

1. Ladies and gentlemen, before I start just some quick housekeeping. Firstly, if you’ve got your mobile phone on you please make sure to keep it switched ON during the speech, for your own entertainment. Secondly, if you see any good jokes in your scrolling, be sure to forward them on to me.

2. I’d like to offer a toast to the bride and groom [*Pull a piece of toast out your pocket and give it to them*]

3. Hi everyone, I’m (your name). I’m here to tell you about (groom’s name) and how truly special, talented, good looking and… sorry mate, I’m struggling to read your handwriting here.

4. I’d like to start by congratulating the groom on his excellent taste in best men. He’s really outdone himself this time.

5. The bride and groom have asked that I don’t share any embarrassing stories, stag do pranks or crude jokes in my best man’s speech… so that’s it from me! Thanks for listening.

6. A wedding is such an emotional day for everyone. Even the cake is in tiers.

7. For those of you who can’t hear me at the back, you should be reassured by the complete silence in the front row here that you’re really not missing much.

8. To start this speech, I searched online for ‘the perfect best man speech’, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m just going to wing it.

9. If there’s anyone here this afternoon who’s feeling nervous and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married (groom’s name).

10. All those among you who really know the bride will know that she is a wonderful person who deserves a good husband. Thank god (groom’s name) married her before she found one.

11. Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, good looking, and a great man. But enough about me…!

12. Those of you that know me, know that I’m not big on making speeches [*sit down*]

13. My only wish for the bride and groom is that each day of their marriage is better than the previous so that they can look back on today, their wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of their lives.

14. (Groom’s name) knows his wife so well. When I asked him what her favourite flower was, he replied “self-raising”.

15. Good evening. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only joking. She went over the speech with me half an hour ago in the bar.

16. I just heard there was a competitive sweepstake on how long the best man speech should last. I put my money on 45 minutes, so make yourselves comfortable…

17. I’ve been told I can’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast in this best man speech. Apparently, I’m supposed to sing the groom’s praises and talk about all his good qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I don’t like lying.

18. You’ve got no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. After all the years I’ve been friends with the groom, he has finally admitted that I am in fact the best man.

19. I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his wedding day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing about (groom’s name). Instead I’ll refer only to the kind and funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight.

20. A best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much, people start freaking out.

21. A wise man once told me that a best man speech is like a miniskirt. It should be short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the goods.

22. Ladies and gentlemen before I start the venue owner has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

23. I’ll try to keep my speech short, because every minute I speak is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how the groom’s dance lessons worked out.

24. (Groom’s name) had the honour of being my best man. He spent months writing a perfect, tender and charming speech. Everyone agreed it was funny and beautiful. Unfortunately I’m a married man, so I haven’t had the time to do all that.

25. I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be best man at (bride and grooms’ names) wedding. (Groom’s name) made me compete for this honour today, but I was able to beat the barman over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!

26. I’ve been worried about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately last night I slept like a baby. Waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out.

27. I didn’t really want to do this speech, but I thought it might be the only chance I’ll get to have a meal and some drinks paid for by (groom’s name).

28. I always knew the groom’s speech would be hard to follow. In fact, I couldn’t understand a word of it.

29. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation. That’s right, I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill.

30. I read somewhere that the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So please could everyone raise a glass to the happy couple!

Now you’ve chosen your opening line you’ll want to include some other best man speech jokes throughout your speech to keep your guests entertained. Read our guide to hilarious best man speech jokes here .

Hollie Bond

Hollie is a lifestyle journalist with over ten years’ experience working in the wedding industry as Lifestyle Editor for You & Your Wedding magazine Also a Regional Editor for Muddy Stilettos, Hollie has written for Square Meal magazine, Family History Monthly, BBC History magazine and Homes & Antiques. In her spare time you can find Hollie in a dance studio practising ballet…

Learn more about Hollie Bond

30 Funny Opening Lines for Wedding Speeches

Handy one-liners to make the guests lol.

If you've read our post on how to make a great best man speech , you'll know that we recommend starting with a joke , and here, we're sharing 30 foolproof examples of funny opening lines for wedding speeches! The beauty of this list is that it works for any wedding speech, whether you're a groom , bride, best man , bridesmaid , groomsman, bridesman, groomsmaid, father of the bride, father of the groom, mother of the bride, mother of the groom, granny or grandad, or just a close pal with a knack for public speaking!

Boasting everything from eye roll-worthy classics to offbeat gags, our round-up of funny opening lines for wedding speeches is sure to have something to suit your personal style, and many of them can be customised to pack an even bigger punch on the day. Kick off with one of these gems, and you'll not only put the audience at ease, you'll set yourself up for a terrific wedding speech!

Note: [Name] can indicate yourself, the bride/groom, the couple as a whole, or another member of the bridal party!

1. “Gosh, what an emotional day it’s been. Even the cake is in tiers!”

2. “Hi everyone! I’m [Name] and it’s time for me to give the speech I frantically scribbled down 15 minutes ago!”

3. "The couple have requested that I don't share any embarrassing stories... so that's it from me! Thanks for listening!"

4. "[Name], I love you so much, and I really hope you'll feel the same about me after you hear my speech."

5. "I just want to start by congratulating [previous speaker's Name] on their wonderful speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I couldn't follow a word of it."

6. "The couple actually had a bit of trouble finding someone to make a speech today. They started by asking their funniest friend, and they said no. Then they asked their most charming friend, and they said no. After that, they asked their best-looking friend and, again, they said no. Then they asked me, and, after already turning them down three times, I couldn't refuse again."

Bride gives speech Olga Hogan Photography: Hannah & Eoghan

7. "Ladies and gentlemen, today we witnessed a unique event in history - it's the first and presumably last time anyone has trusted me to give a speech!"

8. "[Name] and I share the same sense of humour, so if you don't like my jokes, you can blame them!"

9. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something truly magical. Something so rare and fortuitous and wonderful that it simply must be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the open bar/donut wall/photo booth/[Name] wearing a tie ."

10. "Where do I start with [Name]? They're kind, intelligent, gorgeous, charming... [directed at them] sorry, I'm having trouble reading your writing, you'll have to tell me the rest later."

11. "I think we can all agree that it's been a fantastic day. But unfortunately that ends right here with my speech."

12. "Loyal. Kind. Honest. Generous... That's enough about me, I'm here to talk about [Name]!"

13. "I'd like to begin my speech by giving the happy couple some relationship advice, but unfortunately I'm single and spend most of my time trying to coax my cat into little outfits/browsing Doctor Who fan sites/playing Rock Paper Scissors with Alexa."

14. "A few months ago, [Name] called me up and asked, 'What are your feelings on marriage?' I had to tell them that, while I was very flattered, I wasn't ready to settle down just yet."

15. "Can everyone hear me OK? If you can't hear me in the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you're not missing anything."

16. "Hello everyone! I'm [Name]. I'm sure you all know me as (Name's best friend/sister/mum/dad), but if you don't, well done on sneaking into the wedding unnoticed!"

17. "Before I begin, I must explain that, this morning, [Name] asked me to remove anything resembling innuendo from my speech. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to go through it again, but if I come across anything risqué, I'll whip it out immediately."

18. "[Name] knows that I'm a bit nervous about this speech, and they gave me some great advice. They said 'Don't try to be too charming, witty or intellectual... just be yourself!'"

Funny Opening Lines for Wedding Speeches

19. "All of us gathered together in this room, we've got something really important in common - none of us have got a clue what I'm going to say next!"

20. "I was told that the secret to a good speech is to start with something that's relevant to everyone in the audience. So here it goes - all of your cars have been stolen."

21. "I want to start by saying that, of all the weddings I've attended over the years, this one is, by far, the most recent."

22. "I'd like to start by congratulating [Name] on their excellent taste... in speakers."

23. "Before we start, can everybody do me a favour and get up off their seats? Now can everyone take one step backward, please? Now can everyone move one step to the right? And now can everyone move one step left? Thank you. Someone told me that the key to giving a good speech was to move people, but I think they must have been having me on, because this is going terribly!"

wedding speech opening lines funny opening lines sincere opening lines (9)

24. "I'm so happy to be overseeing the only five minutes of today that [bride or groom's Name] didn't plan. Only joking, they went over my speech with me at the bar half an hour ago. [Pulls extra page out of pocket] But I did manage to hide one page!"

25. Guys, before I start, just some housekeeping notes, the venue has asked that you don't stand on any of the chairs and tables for my standing ovation."

26 . I sincerely hope that each day of [Insert names] marriage is better than the the one before, the only thing is that also means they'll look back on today, their wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of their lives.

27. I’ve been worried about giving this speech for a while now. You'll be glad to hear, that last night I slept like a baby. I woke up every two hours, bawling my eyes out.

28. Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum. I’m terribly hungover. I know, you shouldn’t drink the night before a wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom/bride drink alone, could I?

29. Just some last messages here to read out: one from [NAME’S] football team for [PARTNER] " Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with [NAME], we found him/her to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight ."

30. Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 250 chickens, and the many, many carnations, roses and wedding coordinators who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.

Loved these opening lines for wedding speeches? We also have a handy checklist of people you need to remember to thank !

Image credits

Marc lawson photography, via one fab day, see more in:.

The 50 Best Jokes For Your Best Man Speech

As the best man, you’re tasked with giving the toast—maybe the most famous one of the evening. For the big speech, it’s important to have some jokes scattered throughout. The couple gets to be sentimental. Her father gets to be sad and nostalgic. You need to bring the funny like it’s showtime at the Apollo. That’s no easy task, either. Luckily, there are dozens of jokes that have already been written that you can plug your buddy’s name into and carry on. We compiled some of our favorites for you here. Good luck!

Good evening everyone. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only kidding. We went over the speech 40 minutes ago in the hall.

It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.

We’ve reached the moment in the evening where we get to watch the groom figet and worry in anticipation. Yes, everyone, I’ve been asked by the staff to give him the bill.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I just want to apologize for not being an experienced public speaker. I’m probably going to spend most of the time looking at this piece of paper in my hands. Oh, it’s not my notes – it’s a picture of the triple Jameson I’m going to down as soon as this is over.

I just heard there was a lucrative pool on the length of the Best Man’s speech. I put my money on 40 minutes, so settle in…

Before I begin my speech, there’s just one order of business I’ve been asked to take care of. *Hold up pair of trousers with padlock on them* These are Jack’s Chastity Pants. I know he’s given keys out to various ladies over the years, but since he is now a married man, he’d like to get those copies back, so Jill is the only one with access. *Wait for the keys you strategically handed out to wedding guests to be brought up*

My name is Peter and I am the Best Man. Many of you would beg to differ, but shut up – I know your secrets.

Just a couple of rules before we begin. If you have a mobile phone – leave it switched on, entertain yourselves. And if anyone texts you any good jokes, kindly pass them up to the front.”

I’ve been told I won’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast. Apparently, as Best Man, I’m supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and talk about his good qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – Before I came here today one of my good friends gave me some advice on giving this speech. He said think of it like walking through a nudist camp, it’s only hard for the first minute.

Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff from ebay, amazon and I want one of those dot com. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until he overheard someone say the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press.

I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!

Sally is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Harry swooped in before she could find one.

I think the main reason we’ve lasted as friends all these years is because you’re geographically convenient…and you had a trampoline.

Jack is the kindest friend anyone could ask for; a man whose philanthropy knows no bounds. ‘Generosity’ should be his middle name. He would do anything for me; like helping write a section of the best man speech because you forgot about it until late last night at the bar!

Jack was in a pub when he proposed. No, really, it was actually very romantic – he got up on one knee.

It’s strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents always told me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should just be quiet.

Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I’m sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.

So I’m the best man, although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.

I can only say in my defense that Mike and I share a common sense of humor so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame Mike.”

I’d also like to congratulate Keith on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

John did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Jane did assure him it would only take a couple of minutes.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Dan and Anne that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately …”

Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.

I’ll try to keep my speech short, because every extra minute I speak is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how the Groom’s dance lessons worked out.

I do have to say though how lucky you are Dave, you’re leaving with a beautiful wife whom you love. And you, Miranda, you get to go home with such a nice new dress and beautiful bouquet of flowers, it’s great.

Jill, you are an amazing woman who deserves a wonderful husband. And I promise you I won’t rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here.

Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. Linda, I expect you had a similar experience when Paul asked you to be his wife.

I spoke to both Sally and Paul before the Wedding and I asked Paul what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked Sally the same question – she replied – A coffee percolator!

Speaking of Jane, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress …Dan likes it too, as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of the kitchen.

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!”

When I saw Linda heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.”

Before proposing, Paul went to ask Linda’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing Paul took the hand that had spent 20 years fishing into his wallet!

I recognize my place here; being best man at a wedding is like being the dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much people start freaking out.

If you can’t hear me in the back, let the silence in the front assure you that you’re not really missing out on anything.

A Best Man is like a dog. You love him, care about him, and he’s only thrown up and ruined your upholstery twice.

I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be Best Man at Jack and Jill’s wedding. Jack made me compete for this honor today, but I was able to beat Mark the Bartender over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!

I found the speech length really difficult to settle on. At one point, it ran to almost 70 minutes, so I cut it down to a five-minute speech but I just felt like too many important things were being left out. So I came to a compromise – I’m going to read the five-minute speech. Then straight afterwards, I’ll do 70-minute one and you guys can tell me which speech I should use.

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now rising to the top of his industry based solely on his intelligence, grit and willpower? A man whose charisma knows no bounds and who has already distinguished himself amongst his peers? Because I’m trying to write my Tinder profile and I’m having trouble summarizing myself.

When I sat down to write this speech I Googled “perfect best man speech”, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m gonna wing it.

I admit, I’m extremely nervous right now. As the people sitting near to me at the table can testify, it really is possible to smell fear.”

I must admit, I’m not used to speaking in public. Until now I thought a toastmaster was a kitchen appliance.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

You know, it’s been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles.. It’s a great honor but you don’t really want to do it!

I’ve been anxious about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately last night I slept like a baby. Waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out. Ten minutes ago, I had to ask a complete stranger to burp me.

Dave was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the bride and groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…

What’s the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Outlaws are wanted.”

Leading up to today John and Jane were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of Jane and John thank‐you very much for the teaspoons.

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45 Genuinely Funny Best Man Speech Jokes

Contrary to popular belief, best man speech jokes don't all have to be cringe-worthy! Here's 45 jokes that are guaranteed to go down a treat

Pratis Barns

Want to know the secret to great best man speeches? Jokes! Love them or loathe them, jokes are at the heart of any great wedding toast , whether you're delivering one as the best man or best woman . Since no-one’s expecting you to develop the stand-up skills of Peter Kay overnight, it’s okay to turn to some tried-and-tested best man speech jokes .

Whether you’re on the hunt for some witty ice breaker jokes, funny openers, or punchy one-liners to entertain the crowd, we’ve rounded up 45 of our favourite jokes that work perfectly when writing funny best man speeches, and will leave the audience in stitches.

Plus, they're super easy to mix up for a LGBTQ+ couple. We spoke to Heidi Ellert-McDermott, founder of Speechy , who shared her top tips on how to write the best best man's speech with jokes that will have everyone laughing.

So, without further ado, here's our selection of funny wedding speech jokes worthy of applause:

45 of the Funniest Best Man Jokes for Speech

1. It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.

2. If there’s anybody here this afternoon who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married [NAME].

3. We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the [NAME] shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth. That’s right. I’ve been asked to give him the drinks’ bill.

4. All those amongst you who know [PARTNER] well will know that she/he is a wonderful and caring person. S/he deserves a good husband. Thank God [NAME] married her/him before s/he found one.

5. Just some last messages here to read out: one from [NAME’S] football team to [PARTNER] – Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with [NAME], we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.

6. I’d also like to congratulate [NAME] on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

7. [PARTNER] please put your left hand flat on the table. [NAME] please place your hand on top of theirs. Enjoy this moment [NAME] because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.

8. I do have to say though [name] just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a [WIFE/HUSBAND] who is warm, loving and caring. And [PARTNER], how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely outfit and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.

9. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress in a suit and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say if the life sentence passed earlier today.

10. I recognise my place here; a best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. Of course you are expected to be there but if you say too much then people start freaking out.

11. Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing out on anything.

12. You’ve got no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. After all the time I’ve been friends with [NAME], they have at long last admitted that I am in fact the best man.

13. I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.

14. We all know the [PARTNER] is a wonderful person who deserves the perfect guy. Too bad you don’t always get what you deserve.

15. As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

16. Well, I do hope that [PARTNER] and [NAME] enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway… When I asked [NAME] what he was doing after the wedding, he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight.

17. Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

18. Good evening, family and friends. I’m very happy to preside over the only five minutes of the day [PARTNER] didn’t plan.

19. I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial about [NAME]. Instead I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight.

20. Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that’s enough about me, I’m here to give a speech about [NAME]!

21. The couple have asked that I don’t talk about [NAME]'s mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-partners. So thanks for listening everyone, that’s it from me!

22. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is [BEST MAN] and for those of those who do know me…I apologise. My full name is actually ‘[BEST MAN]-would-you-like-a-drink’. For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.

23. So where do I start with [NAME]? Well, for starters he’s handsome, witty, intelligent, he’s charm…sorry…[NAME] I’m having trouble reading you handwriting. You can tell me the rest later.

24. I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!

25. Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum. I’m terribly hungover. I know, you shouldn’t drink the night before a wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom drink alone, could I?

26. I’m going to keep this speech like [NAME] – short and not very funny.

27. I can only say in my defence that [NAME] and I share the same sense of humour so if this speech is in anyway unfunny, please feel free to blame [NAME].

28. Hi everyone, I’m [BEST MAN], I’m the best man – although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.

29. I’ve been instructed to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo, I’ll whip it out immediately.

30. I’m here to give a speech about [NAME] – but what can I say about him that hasn’t already been a topic on Jeremy Kyle?

31. I heard there was a sweepstake on the length of the best man’s speech. I just went for 40 minutes – so settle in.

32. Now, before I start, the hotel manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

33. I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And as the people sitting near the front of the room can attest, it is actually possible to smell fear.

34. They say if you're nervous about giving a speech you should imagine the audience naked. [Look around, look horrified] God, now I feel worse!

35. When it came to writing this speech, I Googled 'best man speech examples' and found some great stuff! So, let me tell you about [WRONG NAME]...

Are you starting to write your best man’s speech ? Once you’ve nailed the best man speech jokes, we’ve got all the advice you need on how to structure your best man’s speech and great ending toasts to finish with .

How to Write a Best Man's Speech with Jokes

Incorporating a few jokes into your best man's speech can be a great tool for loosening up the crowd - Heidi Ellert-McDermott, founder of Speechy , revealed one of the easiest ways to master this is by using comedy based on observation.

"It’s just noticing the strange things in life that we take for granted. Everyone in this world is weird in their very own way, so start checking out the groom. Question his behaviour, habits and the unwritten rules of your friendship.

"Look at the everyday frustrations and recurring issues. To make observational humour work, the trick is to be as specific as possible. Even positive qualities can be humorous if you dissect them," explains Heidi.

Another easy tool when it comes to weaving in best man speech jokes is by using exaggeration: "I exaggerate 300% of my life. Just think of a quirk that the groom is known for and imagine it in its most extreme form."

Funny Best Man Jokes that Won’t Offend the Groom

Gabriela Matei

Worried about offending the groom? Heidi suggests that "self-deprecation is also a brilliant tool to utilise. Arguably, the strongest form of comedy and certainly, the safest. No one will be offended if you’re offending yourself."

But, if you do want to give the groom a bit of a roasting, just make sure to do it with kindness. Subjects that you’ve seen them become sensitive or upset about in the past are definitely off the table! Stick to safe topics and turn them into some playful icebreaker jokes to lighten the mood.

For instance, let’s say the groom is obsessed with sport, has a slightly receding hairline, or never gets a round in at the pub… you can easily throw in some of these teasing best man jokes about football, losing their hair, and buying drinks if you think they would go down well.

Here are a few examples of great opening jokes and closing one-liners that shouldn’t overstep the mark.

36. “This has truly been a day to remember. [NAME] finally bought a round of drinks!”

37. “I’ve played football with [NAME] on many occasions and never seen him lose a ball… as he doesn’t kick it that far. In fact, he struggles to kick it full stop.”

38. “[NAME] may not dazzle you with his wit or good looks. But he will dazzle you with the top of his head.”

39. “Getting married to someone who is balding makes everything so much easier. For example, whenever the photographer calls for a picture, all [NAME] has to do is straighten his tie!”

40. “[NAME] has been so worried about getting married. In fact, he’s been tearing his hair out!”

How to Write a Speech as the Best Man and Brother to the Groom

If you’re the brother or a sibling to the person getting married and you’ve been asked to make a speech as their Best Man or Best Woman, then you’re in a very unique position! You get to draw upon years of life experience and memories with the person getting hitched, which can make the jokes even funnier and more personal. And of course, all of these jokes can be switched up and modified to fit any sibling relationship.

Here are some to get you started, and you can find even more by reading up on how to write a best man speech for your brother .

41. “I want to say a few complimentary things about the groom. He’s handsome, intelligent and gifted at sports. Of course, none of this should come as a surprise – we come from the same gene pool.”

42. “If you hadn’t guessed already, I’m the groom’s younger brother. The upgrade, if you will.”

43. “I've always wanted to give a speech - [NAME] is like a genie, he's granted a wish for me today. And I always wanted a sister, and I have that now in [NAME]. But not all wishes come true, after all - I've still got [NAME] as a brother.”

44. “We didn’t play together that much, growing up. [NAME] was the sort of kid my mum told me to stay away from.”

45. “[NAME] blamed me for everything growing up. So, let’s call this speech ‘payback’”.

Can You Joke About the Bride in a Best Man's Speech?

Danielle Smith Photography

Joking about someone's partner in the best man's speech is something you should carefully consider as it depends on how well you know them and your relationship.

"You need to judge this carefully but if you could affectionately tease them down the pub, then I’d hope you could do it within your speech. Obviously nothing crude or genuinely rude and nothing that could be taken the wrong way or worry the grannies," explains Heidi.

"Some people may suggest you play it safe and stick to the gushing compliments - but having been a bride myself, I loved that the best man at our wedding felt comfortable enough to acknowledge some of my more questionable habits. It cemented the fact that he was my friend as well as my husband's," she reveals.

This rule of thumb applies for any type of best man speech, whether that be for a bride and groom, two grooms or two brides. If you're unsure on what to do or aren't certain they'll be a good sport, Heidi suggests keeping the jokes focused on whoever you are closest to.

7 Top Tips for Giving a Best Man’s Speech

If you are planning a best man’s speech then don’t miss our top tips:

Avoid in-jokes that most guests won’t understand!
Keep it clean – you don’t want to be dropping the F-bomb in front of your best friend’s grandma…
Pause for laughter - and if it doesn't come, you can tell people they were supposed to laugh there
Add a personal twist – see if any of these jokes can be amended to suit something that relates to the couple
Make notes - you might think you'll remember it off by heart, but it's handy to have notes to refer back to
Project your voice - don't shout, but aim to be heard at the back of the room
End with a toast - it's the best way to wrap it up

Planning on being the best best man ever? Here's how to plan the perfect stag do !

Top Best Man Speech Openers For Every Style

14th Apr, 2020

Jump to the good bits

You’re honoured to have been asked to be the best man but you’ve got no idea how to start your speech. We get it…your best man speech opener is the icebreaker your audience have all been waiting for. They’re tired, they want food and they want you to sit down quickly. So this is your chance to get them on side, have some fun and create a special/hilarious wedding speech moment that the bride and groom will laugh at, love and remember.

Keep our top tips in mind for your speech intro, length and tone and then head onto the jokes / opening lines / icebreakers!

Don’t focus on you.
Keep it under 5 minutes (3 is better).
Tell a short anecdote about the couple that celebrates (and maybe ribs) their relationship.
And finally, choose 1 or 2 good jokes that showcase your humour and the tone of the day.

So, without further ado…we give you our top 40 best man speech intros, jokes and openers.

Best Man Speech Openers

Step 1: Inhale helium balloon. Step 2: Give speech.
“History really does have a way of repeating itself. X years ago, (bride’s name)’s parents were sending her off to bed with a dummy. And today they’re doing it all over again.”
“(Bride’s name), you’re a truly special woman and you deserve a wonderful husband. And I’m not going to rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here.”
“Fornication…..(cough) sorry, excuse me. For an occasion….such as this…”
“Just some quick housekeeping, ladies and gentleman. Firstly, if you’ve got your mobile phone on you…please make sure to keep it switched ON during the speech, for your own entertainment. And secondly, if you see any good jokes in your scrolling, be sure to forward them on to me.”
“I’d like to offer a toast to the bride and groom…(pull out a piece of toast from coat pocket and give it to them).”
“Those of you that know me, know that I’m not big on making speeches”…(Sit down)
“I have been (groom’s name)’s mate since Wednesday this week. I was the successful applicant to an ad he put online asking to pose as his friend. Apparently I got the position by default having been the only one to apply.”
“Some of you have asked me how I’ll cope now that I’m flying solo socially without my best mate…Honestly? I’m thrilled. Now I’ll finally be the best looking man in the room.”
If you are the groom’s twin: “I’m not the groom but I do appreciate that at least 4 people so far have congratulated me. Also, if you gave me an envelope, I’m keeping it.”
For the Princess Bride fans out there: “Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us together today…”
“The bride and groom have requested that I don’t share any embarrassing stories, stag do pranks or crude jokes…so that’s it from me! Thanks for your attention.”
“Now, ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something beautiful. Something so truly magical that words can hardly express. I am, of course, talking about the open bar/donut wall/4 course meal.”
If you’re following someone else’s speech: “Ditto.”
“(Bride’s name) please put your hand flat on the table. (Groom’s name) please place your hand on top of hers. Now, enjoy this moment (groom’s name), because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.”
“To the bride and groom. My only wish for you is that each day of your marriage is better than the previous, so that you can look back on today, your wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of your life.”
“For those of you who can’t hear me at the back, you should be reassured by the complete silence in the front row here. You’re not missing much.”
“Most of you know the bride well and that she is a loving and caring person. She deserved to find someone truly special to marry. I just thank God (groom’s name) married her before she found one.”
“A wedding is such an emotional day for everyone. Even the cake is in tiers.”
“When (groom’s name) first told me he was thinking about popping the big question, I have to admit my heart started racing. Then I realised he meant (bride’s name) and I just put those dreams back in the box.”
“(Groom’s name) said that If I do a good job here I can be the best man at his next wedding.”
“I did a quick poll before the reception today to see who was on the bride or groom’s side. And I’m happy to report that the wedding crashers are seated on tables 2 and 11. Security.”
For 2nd weddings only: “Welcome back.”
“Now, I know I can trust you all that any personal details I tell you about (groom’s name) today won’t go any further than the 150 guests in this room, your families, friends, workmates, casual acquaintances and anyone you choose to share them with on social media and the local radio call in show.”
“I’d like to start by congratulating (groom’s name) on his excellent taste in best men. He’s truly outdone himself this time.”
For Lord of The Rings (LOTR) fans: “Looking out I see a lot of familiar faces, and a lot of faces that are new to me. I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”
“When (groom’s name) asked me to be his best man, the first thing I did was Google ‘the perfect best man speech’, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m just going to wing it.”
“I did a lot of research before writing this speech and the best advice I came across was to open with something that’s relevant to everyone here. So, everyone…your cars have all been stolen.”
“(Groom’s name) knows his wife so well. When I asked him what her favourite flower was, he instantly replied ‘self-raising’.”
“Could I ask everyone to stand for a quick toast? There are some really important people who, without them, none of this here today would have any meaning…To the bartenders.”
“A wise man once told me that a best man speech is like a miniskirt. It should be short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the goods.”
“Hi everyone, I’m (your name). I’m here to tell you about (groom’s name) and how truly special, talented, good looking and…sorry mate, I can’t read your handwriting here.”
“Hi everyone, my name is (your name) and I’m (groom’s name)’s best man. That’s right. It took him (X) years but he has FINALLY admitted I’m the best.”
“Apparently, it’s tradition in a best man’s speech to sing the groom’s praises and talk up his better qualities. But sorry, I can’t sing and I won’t lie.”
“(Groom’s name) had the honour of being my best man. He took months crafting a perfect, tender and charming speech. It made the whole room laughing and crying in equal measure. Everyone agreed it was beautiful. Unfortunately I’m a married man, so I haven’t had the time to do all that.”
“I heard people were taking bets on the length of the best man speech. Well, I bet on myself for 45 minutes and I am sure as hell getting that money back. So, strap yourselves in…we’ll be here for a while.”
“I once read the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So the time has come! Please raise a glass to the happy couple!”
“The beautiful meal you’re about to be served was charged per head. So, on the special couple’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…”
“Before I start my speech, I think it would be appropriate if we all stood for a moment’s silence…To the memory of the 2,000 potatoes, 200 salmon, countless roses and baby’s breath flowers that selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding possible.”
“I would like to congratulate (groom’s name) on his impeccable taste in choosing such a beautiful wife. And (bride’s name), well done on saying ‘I do’ to my mate (groom’s name), because, let’s face it – that must have been hard.”

If you’ve given a truly epic best man speech that has gone down in wedding history, send us your speech text ! We’ll add any pearlers to the list or feature it on The Stag’s Balls blog.

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Image credit: Pxhere

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20 Genuinely Funny Jokes For The Best Man Speech

June 15, 2020
Budget & Planning

No pressure, but the best man speech can really set the tone for the evening.

The best man – along with the other speech makers – is tasked with setting the mood for the night ahead, making sure to give the wedding guests a good laugh. He’ll need to strike the balance between funny and a little cheeky (remember the listening ears of older relatives!) and he may also like to throw in a little sentiment – it is a wedding after all.

RELATED TO: Have you bought your tickets for The Wedding Journal Show ? Get exclusive VIP & discounted tickets online now!

If you’re looking for a little bit of inspiration for your best man speech, then we’ve got in spades, from funny one liners to quips that’ll leave the guests in stitches.

Whether you’re a skilled public speaker, a natural comedian or a total novice, littering your best man’s speech with a few of these jokes will really pack a punch.

Opening jokes

The key to a killer best man speech is to kick it off with a great opening line!

“Good evening everyone. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan.”

“It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers!”

“[GROOM’S NAME] was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the bride and groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming¦”

“Leading up to today [GROOM’S NAME] and [BRIDE’S NAME] were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use the wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of [GROOM’S NAME] and [BRIDE’S NAME] thank‐you very much for the teaspoons.”

“Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!”

Jokes about the groom

A best man speech is an opportunity to give the groom a bit of a roasting!

“On their first date, [GROOM’S NAME] thought he’d make an impression, and promised a seven course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack!”

“I read somewhere that the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So raise your glasses to the happy couple!”

“Just some last messages here to read out: one from the Groom’s football team to [BRIDE’S NAME] – ‘apologies we couldn’t all be here today, good luck with [GROOM’S NAME], we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.”

“As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.”

“Twenty years ago, the Groom was told by a doctor that he would never dance normally again. When the band starts, you’ll see exactly what that specialist was talking about.”

“[BRIDE’S NAME] please put your left hand flat on the table. [GROOM’S NAME] please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment [GROOM’S NAME] because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.”

“You are both so lucky. [GROOM], you get to leave with this amazing woman. And [BRIDE], you get to leave with that beautiful dress and wedding bouquet.”

Jokes about the bride

Aim for a gentle ribbing when it comes to the bride – don’t take the jokes too far!

“Isn’t it funny how history has a habit of repeating itself? Twenty-nine years ago [BRIDE’S NAME]’s parents were sending her off to bed with a dummy. And tonight they’re doing exactly the same thing again!”

“When I saw [BRIDE’S NAME] heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.”

“Everyone who knows the bride knows she’s a wonderful person. She deserves the best husband out there. Thank god [GROOM’S NAME] married her before she found one.”

“Before proposing, [GROOM’S NAME] went to ask [BRIDE’S NAME]’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing he took the hand that had spent 20 years fishing into his wallet!”

Jokes about the best man

When it comes to the best man speech, guests will love a little self-deprecating humour

“A Best Man is like a dog. You love him, care about him, and he’s only thrown up and ruined your upholstery twice.”

“I recognise my place here; being best man at a wedding is like being the dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much people start freaking out.”

“Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. [BRIDE’S NAME], I expect you had a similar experience when [GROOM’S NAME] asked you to be his wife.”

“The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.”

What else goes into the perfect best man speech?

Okay, so you’ve the gags sussed. What else do you need to include in a best man speech?

– Thank the other speakers who have gone before you – Congratulate the newlyweds – Remember to say a few kind words about the bride – Don’t forget to compliment the bridesmaids – Read out messages from guests who couldn’t attend – Propose a toast!

Check out our guide here for even more advice on perfecting the best man speech.

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Hi Miss Puff

30 Best Man Speech Jokes That Will Leave Everyone Laugh

Being chosen as the best man is a great honor, but it also comes with a big responsibility – delivering an unforgettable speech. Injecting humor into your best man speech is a surefire way to captivate the audience and create a joyful atmosphere. In this post, we’ve compiled a list of 30 best man speech jokes that will have everyone laughing. So, let’s dive in and discover the secrets to delivering a side-splitting speech that will be remembered for years to come.

30 Funny Opening Lines for Wedding Speeches

“Gosh, what an emotional day it’s been. Even the cake is in tiers!”
“Hi everyone! I’m [Name] and it’s time for me to give the speech I frantically scribbled down 15 minutes ago!”
“The couple have requested that I don’t share any embarrassing stories… so that’s it from me! Thanks for listening!”
“[Name], I love you so much, and I really hope you’ll feel the same about me after you hear my speech.”
“I just want to start by congratulating [previous speaker’s Name] on their wonderful speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I couldn’t follow a word of it.”
“The couple actually had a bit of trouble finding someone to make a speech today. They started by asking their funniest friend, and they said no. Then they asked their most charming friend, and they said no. After that, they asked their best-looking friend and, again, they said no. Then they asked me, and, after already turning them down three times, I couldn’t refuse again.”
“All of us gathered together in this room, we’ve got something really important in common – none of us have got a clue what I’m going to say next!”
“I was told that the secret to a good speech is to start with something that’s relevant to everyone in the audience. So here it goes – all of your cars have been stolen.”
“I want to start by saying that, of all the weddings I’ve attended over the years, this one is, by far, the most recent.”
“I’d like to start by congratulating [Name] on their excellent taste… in speakers.”

“I’m so happy to be overseeing the only five minutes of today that [bride or groom’s Name] didn’t plan. Only joking, they went over my speech with me at the bar half an hour ago. [Pulls extra page out of pocket] But I did manage to hide one page!”
Guys, before I start, just some housekeeping notes, the venue has asked that you don’t stand on any of the chairs and tables for my standing ovation.”
I sincerely hope that each day of [Insert names] marriage is better than the the one before, the only thing is that also means they’ll look back on today, their wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of their lives.
I’ve been worried about giving this speech for a while now. You’ll be glad to hear, that last night I slept like a baby. I woke up every two hours, bawling my eyes out.
“Ladies and gentlemen, today we witnessed a unique event in history – it’s the first and presumably last time anyone has trusted me to give a speech!”
“[Name] and I share the same sense of humour, so if you don’t like my jokes, you can blame them!”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something truly magical. Something so rare and fortuitous and wonderful that it simply must be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the open bar/donut wall/photo booth/[Name] wearing a tie .”
“Where do I start with [Name]? They’re kind, intelligent, gorgeous, charming… [directed at them] sorry, I’m having trouble reading your writing, you’ll have to tell me the rest later.”
“I think we can all agree that it’s been a fantastic day. But unfortunately that ends right here with my speech.”
“Loyal. Kind. Honest. Generous… That’s enough about me, I’m here to talk about [Name]!”

“A few months ago, [Name] called me up and asked, ‘What are your feelings on marriage?’ I had to tell them that, while I was very flattered, I wasn’t ready to settle down just yet.”
“Can everyone hear me OK? If you can’t hear me in the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing anything.”
“Hello everyone! I’m [Name]. I’m sure you all know me as (Name’s best friend/sister/mum/dad), but if you don’t, well done on sneaking into the wedding unnoticed!”
“Before I begin, I must explain that, this morning, [Name] asked me to remove anything resembling innuendo from my speech. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to go through it again, but if I come across anything risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately.”
“[Name] knows that I’m a bit nervous about this speech, and they gave me some great advice. They said ‘Don’t try to be too charming, witty or intellectual… just be yourself!'”
Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum. I’m terribly hungover. I know, you shouldn’t drink the night before a wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom/bride drink alone, could I?
Just some last messages here to read out: one from [NAME’S] football team for [PARTNER] “Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with [NAME], we found him/her to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.”
Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 250 chickens, and the many, many carnations, roses and wedding coordinators who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.

How to Write Your Own Best Man Speech Jokes

Set the tone with a lighthearted opener:.

A great way to start your speech is with a witty and light-hearted opener. For example, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have been given the honor of being the best man today. So, if my speech is terrible, please don’t blame the bride and groom – blame the open bar!”

Reflect on your friendship with the groom:

Take a trip down memory lane and share a humorous anecdote that showcases your friendship with the groom. For instance, “I remember when we were kids, and John would always convince me to do the craziest things. Little did I know that being the best man would be one of them!”

Tease the groom gently:

Lightly poking fun at the groom is a classic approach. Share a funny story that highlights his quirks or amusing habits. Remember to keep it lighthearted and avoid embarrassing or offensive jokes.

Compliment the bride:

A best man speech isn’t complete without acknowledging the bride. Incorporate a funny compliment that shows how lucky the groom is to have her. For example, “Samantha, you are stunning today, and I must say, John, you’ve truly outkicked your coverage!”

Include a playful jab at yourself:

Self-deprecating humor can be a great way to connect with the audience. Share a humorous story that involves you and the groom to lighten the mood. This will make your speech relatable and endearing.

How do I ensure my jokes are appropriate for the occasion?

It’s crucial to consider the audience and avoid jokes that may offend or embarrass anyone. Stick to light-hearted, good-natured humor that celebrates the couple’s love and friendship.

Can I use inside jokes in my best man speech?

While inside jokes can be entertaining for some, it’s best to avoid them. Remember, your speech should be inclusive and relatable to everyone in attendance.

How can I practice delivering my speech effectively?

Practice makes perfect! Rehearse your speech in front of a mirror or with a small group of friends to gauge their reactions. Pay attention to your timing, delivery, and body language to enhance the comedic impact.

Should I memorize my speech or use cue cards?

It’s advisable to have cue cards to ensure you don’t forget any important points. However, aim to strike a balance between preparedness and maintaining a conversational tone.

How long should my best man speech be?

Aim for a speech that lasts around 5-7 minutes. Keep in mind that it’s better to leave the audience wanting more rather than droning on for too long.

Conclusion:

Crafting a memorable best man speech requires careful consideration and a touch of humor. By incorporating these 30 best man speech jokes, you can ensure that your speech will be entertaining, engaging, and leave the audience in stitches. Remember to tailor the jokes to the couple’s personalities, keep it light-hearted, and focus on celebrating their love. With a well-executed speech, you’ll not only honor your friendship but also create a lasting memory for the newlyweds and all the guests in attendance. Cheers to a successful and laughter-filled best man speech!

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80 Hilarious Jokes for Best Man Speech (And How to Deliver Them Effectively)

Best man speeches are best known for being the funniest speech of the night — not to mention the most anticipated. While you don’t have to be a stand up comedian to pull off an amusing speech, it’s always a good idea to have a few funny comments up your sleeve.

Even if you don’t enjoy speaking in front of others or are feeling nervous about delivering your speech, you can hide that with the right content — and the right jokes.

Our jokes for best man speech guide will help you find the right openers as well as jokes for the remainder of your speech. Just remember to only use a handful so your speech doesn’t come off cliché.

In This Article

80 hilarious jokes for best man speech opening jokes

Opening Jokes for Best Man Speech

Saying something amusing at the beginning of your speech is a great way to engage your audience from the get-go. If you want to kick off your speech with some humor, here are 10 funny ways to do so:

I’d like to start by congratulating Scott on his excellent taste in speech givers.
It’s strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents taught me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should say nothing at all.
Scott knew I was a bit nervous about giving this speech, so he gave me some great advice. He said “Don’t try to be too charming, witty or intellectual — just be yourself!’”
The groom and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. He then asked his best-looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Then he asked me, and, after turning him down the first three times, I couldn’t refuse again.
Each one of us gathered together in this room has something really important in common: none of us have a clue what I’m going to say next!
Good evening everyone! I’m Mike. I’m sure you all know me as Scott’s younger brother, but if you don’t, well done on sneaking into the wedding unnoticed!
Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something truly magical. Something so rare and wondrous that it simply must be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the free booze.
Scott and I have always loved each other like brothers. Hopefully he’ll feel the same after he hears my speech.
Good evening everyone, today you are witness to a unique and important event in history: the first and presumably last time anyone will ever trust me to give a speech.
If your speech is following someone else’s, you can say, (Name) gave a great speech and I agree with everything he/she said. Then sit down.

Jokes Involving the Groom

The groom is always fair game in the best man’s speech. Just make sure you don’t go overboard. Be sure to balance your jokes at the groom’s expense with at least a bit of flattery. It is his big day, after all.

Where do I start with Scott? He’s kind, intelligent, gorgeous, charming… sorry, I’m having trouble reading Scott’s writing, (turn to groom) you’ll have to tell me the rest later.”
A few months ago, Scott called me up and asked, ‘What are your feelings on marriage?’ I had to tell him that, while I was very flattered, I wasn’t ready to settle down just yet.”
Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that’s enough about me, I’m here to give a speech about Scott!
Let me tell you about the groom. I’ve known him for 15 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic… Oops, sorry, wrong wedding.
I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!
I’m Mike, best man, but I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.
I can only say in my defense that Scott and I share a common sense of humor so if this speech isn’t funny, blame him.
I’d like to focus on the groom for a few minutes. Enjoy it, Scott, because this is the last time you’ll ever be the center of attention.
I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial about Scott. Instead I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight.
As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

Jokes Involving the Bride

While it’s never a good idea to make a joke at the bride’s expense, you can still certainly include her in your humor. Here’s a few examples:

Claire is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Scott swooped in before she could find one.
It’s not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She’s not marrying the best man.
Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I’m sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.
Scott, you’re leaving tonight with a beautiful wife. Claire, you get to go home with a beautiful new dress. So it’s win-win.
Claire, the next time you think work keeps you apart too much, remember to enjoy the time apart. All too soon you’ll both retire, but you’ll still have a full-time job — dealing with him.
Claire did actually tell me Scott has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off…but it amounts to the same thing, right?
They married for better or for worse. Scott couldn’t have done better, and Claire couldn’t have done worse!
Good evening. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only joking. She went over the speech with me half an hour ago in the bar.
Claire please put your left hand flat on the table. Scott please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment Scott because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.
It can be said that a bride’s attitude toward her betrothed can be summed up by three words associated with weddings: Aisle, altar, hymn.

The best jokes for your best man speech.

Jokes for a Married Best Man

If you’re already married, you have the chance to share your insight with the groom, but you may as well make him laugh while you’re doing so. Here are a few ideas that are good for a giggle.

I asked my wife if she still fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn and doing the dishes.
There are only two rules for a happy marriage: 1) Your wife is always right. 2) When you think you’re right, remind yourself of rule No. 1.
A wise man once said, “I don’t know… ask my wife.”
My wife says I’m too competitive. I told her I already knew that.
Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? Because they always have to repeat themselves.
My wife asked me earlier: “Are you even listening to me?” Which is a very odd way to start a conversation…
My wife asked me if I wanted dinner. When I asked what my choices were, she said, “Yes or no.”
Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.
My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she’s giving me lately.

Advice Jokes for Best Man Speech

If you can offer advice to the newlyweds and get a laugh at the same time, why not kill two birds with one stone? Here are some wise words that will be sure to elicit more than a few chuckles.

Scott, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”
The four most essential words for a healthy and happy relationship are “I’m sorry” and “You’re right.”
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Leave the toilet seat down. Enough said.
The beauty of your youths may fade over time, but don’t worry, so will your eyesight.
Marriage is an ‘as is’ deal. Don’t try to change your spouse. That’s as good as it gets.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Never laugh at your wife’s choices, you are one of them.
Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening anyway.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore.

80 hilarious jokes for best man speech best liner jokes

Best One-Liner Jokes

Who says a joke needs to be long to get a laugh? Sometimes a one-liner is exactly what you need to break the ice and get people laughing. Here are a few to choose from:

Marriage is like a walk in the park — Jurassic Park, that is.
I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body? She said, “Your sense of humor.”
Today’s wedding is a love match, pure and simple — she’s pure, and he’s simple.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
Last night my wife was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
I’m not a “yes” man to my wife—when she says no, I say no.
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Here are the top three situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?
Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!

Best Cheesy Jokes

If you want to use a groaner or two in your speech, these corny jokes will make your listeners smile in spite of themselves.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Do you know why the king of hearts married the queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.
It has been a very emotional day today. I’m sure some of you have noticed that even the cake is in tiers.
Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
Two cannonballs got married this morning. I heard they are already expecting BBs.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. So, I had to put my foot down.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married? I heard the reception was perfect.
My wife found out the hard way that I had changed the bed in our master bedroom with a trampoline — she hit the roof and hasn’t talked to me since.
My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff! It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

Funny Quotes for Your Speech

If you’re looking for a way to make your speech amusing, throwing in a funny quote or two can’t hurt. Here are some of the best love-related quotes sure to make your audience chuckle.

“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.”

— Brendan Behan, Irish poet

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”

— Maryon Pearson, wife of former Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

— Jim Carrey, actor

“Men wear the pants in the relationship, but women control the zipper.”
“A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”

— Terry Pratchett, English author

“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”

— Ogden Nash, American poet

“Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”

— George Burns, American comedian

“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.”

— Sigmund Freud, Austrian neurologist and psychoanalyst

“It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

— Rita Rudner, American comedian

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”

— Ann Bancroft, American actress

Our Top 5 Best Man Speech Tips for Including Jokes

Writing a speech isn’t easy. That’s why we’ve put together some essential tips to keep in mind. If you need more help, take a look at our article on how to write a memorable best man speech.

1. Brainstorm, brainstorm, brainstorm

No matter what style of speech you plan to write, you should always start by brainstorming. If you’re going for something funny, making a list of amusing memories of the groom can help you decide what stories to tell as well as what jokes will go with them.

Once you’ve finished brainstorming, choose one or two stories to work with. Which memories would be both easy to share and amusing for your audience? How long will each memory take to recount?

Once you’ve chosen either one longer memory or two shorter ones, it’s time to add some supporting details. Once that task is complete, look to see which jokes would best support the stories you plan to share and how you can integrate them.

If you plan to tell a story about the groom’s mischievous sense of humor, you could say something like this:

Good evening everyone. I’m Mike, the best man and Scott’s younger brother. Before I dive into my speech I just want to say that Scott and I share the same sense of humor so if this speech isn’t funny, it’s all his fault.

Speaking of having a crazy sense of humor, I’d like to tell you about the time Scott decided it would be a great idea to dye our cat’s tail green for St. Patrick’s day. He was eight and I, his willing helper, was only five…

2. Choose a common theme to keep your speech cohesive

Having a recurring theme in your speech will help it to flow naturally, making it easier to deliver. It will also make it easier for the audience to follow, and will be more apt to hold their attention.

If your goal is to make your speech funny by telling amusing anecdotes about your friend, then jokes will work very well with your toast. If you plan to make your speech a mixture of funny and sincere, however, make sure you confine the jokes to the amusing part of your speech.

Offering advice to the newlyweds may sound serious, but it can be pretty funny if done right. This will be especially effective if you are already married. For instance, you could say:

As Scott’s one and only married friend, I’m the only one of his peers who can offer advice on how to make a marriage successful. So, Scott, here’s my advice to you; as a married man, there are three phrases you must master: “Yes, dear,” “I’m sorry” and “You’re right.”

Memorizing those words will save you a lot of heartache, Scott. Remember, marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

80 hilarious jokes for best man speech be funny but show emotion too

3. Be funny, but show emotion too

Even if your goal is to have the crowd in tears from laughter, at least a small portion of your speech should include a heartfelt sentiment or two.

Whether you talk about how blessed you are to be friends with the groom or about how happy you are for him to have found the love of his life, be sure to get in a few sincere comments.

But how do you transition from a joke into something more heartfelt? Here’s a good example:

It’s been said that a man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him, but I’m pretty sure Scott fell for Claire before he even spoke to her. I don’t think he believed in love at first sight until that moment.

4. Make mention of the groom’s spouse

As the best man, most of your speech will be about the groom, but it’s still important to mention his new bride or groom.

Your speech will be mostly about recounting memories of your friendship with the groom, but it’s important to transition into talking about the other half of the newlywed couple. And yes, you can do that by starting with a joke. You could say something like:

Claire is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Scott swooped in before she could find one. But seriously, Claire, I am so happy that Scott did indeed find you. I’ve never seen him happier and it is all because of you.

5. End your speech with a toast

No pressure — but, as the best man, your speech is usually the most anticipated of the night, so end it right by offering congratulations to the newlyweds. You can even slip in one last joke. Here are a few examples:

Scott, you’re leaving tonight with a lovely wife. Claire, you get to go home with a gorgeous new dress. So it’s win-win. To the lucky groom and his beautiful bride! Cheers!

Yes, folks, this wedding is a love match, pure and simple — she’s pure, and he’s simple. Seriously though, a great love like theirs is one to be celebrated, so everyone lift your glasses with me and toast the bride and groom. To Claire and Scott!

By remembering these tips and choosing the right jokes , you can be confident of delivering a successful best man speech.

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COMMENTS

30 Brilliant Opening Lines for Your Best Mans Speech
30. I read somewhere that the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So please could everyone raise a glass to the happy couple! Now you’ve chosen your opening line you’ll want to include some other best man speech jokes throughout your speech to keep your guests entertained.
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Oct 22, 2022 · Opening Lines for a Brother’s Best Man Speech. Paying tribute to your brother with a best man speech is a memory you will both have for many years to come, so making it the best speech possible is essential. While brothers can definitely get away with poking fun at their sibling, just make sure your speech isn’t just a roast; add a lot of ...
The 50 Best Jokes For Your Best Man Speech | The Plunge
As the best man, you’re tasked with giving the toast—maybe the most famous one of the evening. For the big speech, it’s important to have some jokes scattered throughout. The couple gets to be sentimental. Her father gets to be sad and nostalgic. You need to bring the funny like it’s showtime at the Apollo. That’s no easy task, either.
30 Brilliant Best Man Speech Opening Lines - hitched.co.uk
Jan 22, 2024 · 30 Brilliant Best Man Speech Opening Lines. Whether you're after a formal best man speech introduction, some funny lines to warm up the room or a few best man speech openers to preface some sentimental stories, we've got something to suit you. Choose between sweet, sentimental, sarcastic, sassy and more! 1. Last Minute Best Man Opener
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Apr 18, 2024 · 7 Top Tips for Giving a Best Man’s Speech. If you are planning a best man’s speech then don’t miss our top tips: Avoid in-jokes that most guests won’t understand! Keep it clean – you don’t want to be dropping the F-bomb in front of your best friend’s grandma…
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Apr 14, 2020 · So, without further ado…we give you our top 40 best man speech intros, jokes and openers. Best Man Speech Openers. Step 1: Inhale helium balloon. Step 2: Give speech. “History really does have a way of repeating itself. X years ago, (bride’s name)’s parents were sending her off to bed with a dummy. And today they’re doing it all over ...
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Jun 15, 2020 · Jokes about the best man. When it comes to the best man speech, guests will love a little self-deprecating humour “A Best Man is like a dog. You love him, care about him, and he’s only thrown up and ruined your upholstery twice.” “I recognise my place here; being best man at a wedding is like being the dead body at a funeral.
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Jun 15, 2023 · Injecting humor into your best man speech is a surefire way to captivate the audience and create a joyful atmosphere. In this post, we've compiled a list of 30 best man speech Being chosen as the best man is a great honor, but it also comes with a big responsibility – delivering an unforgettable speech.
80 Hilarious Jokes for Best Man Speech (And How to Deliver ...
May 24, 2022 · Our Top 5 Best Man Speech Tips for Including Jokes. Writing a speech isn’t easy. That’s why we’ve put together some essential tips to keep in mind. If you need more help, take a look at our article on how to write a memorable best man speech. 1. Brainstorm, brainstorm, brainstorm

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20 Genuinely Funny Jokes For The Best Man Speech

No pressure, but the best man speech can really set the tone for the evening.

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30 Best Man Speech Jokes That Will Leave Everyone Laugh

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How to Write Your Own Best Man Speech Jokes

Reflect on your friendship with the groom:

Tease the groom gently:

Compliment the bride:

Include a playful jab at yourself:

How do I ensure my jokes are appropriate for the occasion?

Can I use inside jokes in my best man speech?