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Are You Standing Up For Yourself? It’s Time to Self-Advocate and Take Your Power Back

No more being used, ignored, or taken for granted

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

Rachel Goldman, PhD FTOS, is a licensed psychologist, clinical assistant professor, speaker, wellness expert specializing in eating behaviors, stress management, and health behavior change.

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We've all done it—stayed silent instead of speaking up, whether it's at work, in our relationships, or even among our friends. We let things slide because we prefer to keep the peace and avoid making a fuss. But what if, in doing so, we're actually giving away our power?

We let one or two things go, and suddenly we find that our opinions are being dismissed and our needs are being ignored. Instead of feeling respected and valued, we feel like we’re being used or taken for granted .

This can happen when we don’t stand up for ourselves. It’s important that we advocate for our needs and wants, to ensure that our voice is acknowledged and our boundaries are respected, says Heather Hagen , MS, LMFT, Executive Director of Clinical Outpatient Services at Newport Healthcare.

In this article, we explore the importance of self-advocacy and ask the experts for some strategies to help us build our confidence and stand up for ourselves.

At a Glance

Tired of people walking all over you? It’s important to draw the line and speak up for yourself, because if you don’t, no one else will. We know it’s scary, but it’s time to muster your courage and confidence. We promise it will be worth it when you gain the respect you deserve. 

Understanding the Importance of Self-Advocacy

Self-advocacy is important for several reasons:

• Empowers us: Self-advocacy empowers us to stand up for ourselves and ensure our needs are met. It’s essential that we voice our needs and beliefs, even if it’s scary or uncomfortable, says Tatiana Rivera Cruz , MSW, LCSW, a therapist at ADHDAdvisor.
• Fosters respect: When we respect and honor ourselves, we teach others that they must be considerate and respectful toward us too. Otherwise, when we let our own needs be ignored, we show others that it’s acceptable to treat us poorly.
• Improves communication: Self-advocacy requires us to communicate our needs clearly and assertively , so that there is no doubt or confusion about our wishes.
• Encourages healthy boundaries: Not standing up for ourselves allows people to take advantage of our passivity or disregard our boundaries, says Hagen. Self-advocacy can help us establish and maintain clear boundaries in our relationships, leading to healthier and more equitable dynamics.
• Builds confidence: Speaking up for ourselves boosts our self-esteem and reinforces our sense of self-confidence.
• Prevents resentment: When we fail to stand up for ourselves, our needs and opinions can be overlooked, leading to frustration and resentment , Hagen explains. By voicing our concerns, we avoid bottling up our frustrations.
• Reduces stress: When others ignore our needs, we often have to work harder to get them met, which can be difficult and stressful.

Research shows us that disenfranchised populations like women, minorities, and people with physical or mental health conditions may be more likely to experience mistreatment and are often less likely to self-advocate.

Building Self-Confidence

We know that speaking up for yourself isn’t easy! Building the confidence to stand up for yourself is a crucial step toward personal empowerment and assertiveness, says Cruz. Self-confidence empowers you to express your needs, opinions, and boundaries without fearing rejection or conflict, Hagen adds.

Not standing up for ourselves allows people to take advantage of our passivity or disregard our boundaries.

Here are some strategies that can help you build your confidence so you can self-advocate:

• Know your worth: Start by recognizing your value and the importance of your needs and opinions. Take pride in your strengths, achievements, and what you bring to the table.
• Educate yourself: The more you know about your rights, the situation you're in, or the topic at hand, the more confident you'll feel in advocating for yourself. Remember, knowledge is power.
• Visualize success: Picture yourself confidently advocating for your needs and imagine the positive outcomes as a result. Visualization can help reduce your anxiety and build your confidence.
• Practice assertiveness: Practice expressing your thoughts and needs clearly and calmly. You can begin by advocating for yourself in smaller, less intimidating situations. As you experience success, your confidence will grow, making it easier to tackle more challenging scenarios.
• Use positive self-talk: Hagen recommends using positive self-talk or affirmations , to help you feel stronger and more powerful.
• Reflect on past successes: Think about times when you successfully advocated for yourself. Remembering these moments can reinforce your ability to do it again.
• Learn from setbacks: If things don't go as planned, use the experience as a learning opportunity instead of seeing it as a failure. Understanding what went wrong can prepare you for similar situations in the future.

Self-confidence empowers you to express your needs, opinions, and boundaries without fearing rejection or conflict.

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Setting healthy boundaries is another important aspect of standing up for yourself. It is an act of self-love that requires self-awareness, clear communication, and courage, because it often means not meeting others' expectations, says Cruz.

Here are some strategies that can help you set healthy boundaries in your relationships:

• Identify your needs: Reflect on your relationships and ask yourself: What matters to me most? What do I need from each relationship? 
• Recognize your limits: Think about the situations that make you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed . You can write them down in a journal, if you like. This exercise can help you understand where your boundaries lie.
• Communicate your boundaries: Use direct, clear, assertive, and respectful language to express your needs and boundaries. For example, instead of saying, “That’s fine, I guess,” say, “I would appreciate it if you check with me first before making plans for us.”
• Be consistent: Once you've set a boundary, it’s essential that you stand firm and stick to it. This reinforces the importance of your boundary and shows others that it’s non-negotiable. Otherwise, your boundary loses its meaning, and people may continue to disregard it.
• Practice saying no: Learn to say no when something isn’t in your best interests. Saying no takes courage, but it’s a powerful way to stand up for yourself and your values.
• Be prepared for pushback: Sometimes, people may react negatively when you set boundaries. Stand firm but remain calm, explaining that these boundaries are essential for your well-being. Others’ actions will reveal their true nature, says Cruz. Those who genuinely care about you will learn to respect your boundaries; whereas, those who push back may not have your best interests at heart.
• Adjust your boundaries as needed: Our needs change and our relationships evolve, so our boundaries should too. Adjust your boundaries as needed and communicate the changes clearly.
• Find the right balance: While it’s important to advocate for yourself, it’s equally important to respect the other person’s needs. Finding the right balance is key to maintaining healthy and equitable relationships.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-love that requires self-awareness, clear communication, and courage, because it often means not meeting others' expectations.

Overcoming Fear and Anxiety

Standing up for yourself can be daunting, especially when your fear is holding you back. Here are some strategies that can help you overcome your anxieties:

• Acknowledge your fears: Start by recognizing and naming your fears. Whether it's the fear of rejection , conflict, or being judged, acknowledging these emotions is the first step toward addressing them.
• Challenge negative thoughts: Challenge any negative self-talk that is holding you back. Remind yourself that you deserve to be treated with kindness and fairness.
• Prepare in advance: If there’s a situation coming up where you think you might have to stand up for yourself, it can be helpful to prepare in advance. Practice what you want to say and how you want to say it. Having a clear idea of your key points can reduce your anxiety and make it easier to stay focused during the conversation.
• Take it one step at a time: Focus on one situation at a time. Trying to do everything all at once can be stressful and overwhelming. By breaking it down into manageable steps, you can gradually build your confidence and reduce anxiety.
• Accept imperfections: Understand that self-advocacy doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s okay to stumble or feel nervous. What matters is that you’re taking steps to voice your needs. Like any other skill, you’ll get better at asserting your needs with practice. Celebrate your progress and be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself.
• Seek Support: Talk to your friends, family members, or a therapist about your fears. Sharing your feelings can help you feel more confident and empowered.

Cruz reminds us that Eleanor Roosevelt said: “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” This message is so powerful because she emphasizes that facing fears and challenges directly is a powerful way to build confidence, says Cruz.

Handling Conflicts and Difficult Situations

Self-advocacy can sometimes lead to conflicts or difficult situations, particularly if people aren’t used to the idea of you standing up for yourself.

Here are some strategies to help you navigate these situations:

• Stay calm: When you’re faced with conflict, take deep breaths and try to remain as calm as possible. Keeping your emotions in check will allow you to think clearly and respond thoughtfully, rather than reacting impulsively.
• Listen actively: Give the other person a chance to express their thoughts and feelings. Active listening shows respect and can help diffuse some of the tension, making it easier to find common ground.
• Use “I” statements: Frame your responses using “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming the other person. For example, say, “I feel unheard when my opinions are dismissed” instead of “You never listen to me.”
• Reiterate your boundaries: If someone challenges your boundaries, calmly restate them and explain why they are important to you.
• Find common ground: Work with the other person to find common ground. Identifying areas of agreement can help build a foundation for a productive conversation. Show the other person that you can appreciate their viewpoint, even if you don’t necessarily agree with it.
• Negotiate needs: Be open to compromise and look for solutions that work for everyone involved.
• Seek understanding, not victory: Approach the situation with the goal of mutual understanding rather than trying to “win” the argument. Focus on finding a resolution that respects both sides.
• Know when to walk away: If the situation becomes toxic or unproductive, it may be best to disengage from it. Walking away can be a powerful way to protect your mental and emotional well-being.
• Seek mediation or support: In particularly challenging situations, consider seeking the help of a neutral third party, such as a mediator or counselor, to facilitate the conversation and help you reach a resolution.

Keep in Mind

Standing up for yourself isn’t always easy, but it’s important in order to ensure you aren’t ignored, used, or worse mistreated . By practicing self-advocacy and setting clear boundaries, you can take control of your life and ensure that your needs are met. It’s about valuing yourself enough to say, “I matter,” and making sure others recognize that too. It’s time to take your power back and make your voice heard!

Hagan TL, Medberry E. Patient education vs. patient experiences of self-advocacy: Changing the discourse to support cancer survivors . J Cancer Educ . 2016 Jun;31(2):375-81. doi:10.1007/s13187-015-0828-x

Hutchens J, Frawley J, Sullivan EA. Is self-advocacy universally achievable for patients? The experiences of Australian women with cardiac disease in pregnancy and postpartum . Int J Qual Stud Health Well-being . 2023 Dec;18(1):2182953. doi:10.1080/17482631.2023.2182953

Blankert T, Hamstra MR. Imagining success: Multiple achievement goals and the effectiveness of imagery . Basic Appl Soc Psych . 2017 Jan 2;39(1):60-67. doi:10.1080/01973533.2016.1255947

Cascio CN, O'Donnell MB, Tinney FJ, Lieberman MD, Taylor SE, Strecher VJ, Falk EB. Self-affirmation activates brain systems associated with self-related processing and reward and is reinforced by future orientation . Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci . 2016 Apr;11(4):621-9. doi:10.1093/scan/nsv136

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By Sanjana Gupta Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

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• 00:00 – Meet Dr. Sunita Sah: Her Story of Transformation
• 00:47 – The Psychology of Compliance and Defiance
• 01:33 – Defying Social Pressures: Real-Life Stories
• 02:14 – Why Compliance in the Workplace Hurts Us All
• 06:10 – A Fresh Take on Defiance: It’s Not What You Think
• 08:41 – The Social Roots of Compliance
• 12:00 – Facing the Inner Blocks to Standing Up for Yourself
• 13:07 – Practical Steps to Strengthen Your Defiance Muscle
• 13:43 – Wrapping Up: Your Takeaways and Resources

The Unexpected Truth About Standing Up for Yourself

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What Happens When You Stand Up to Someone?

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.

How often do you say “yes” when your heart is practically screaming “no” ? It’s not easy to stand up for yourself, right? But what happens when you do stand up to someone? And what are the consequences if you don’t? That’s why I’m thrilled to share highlights from our recent podcast episode of Love, Happiness, and Success , where I chatted with Dr. Sunita Sah, an award-winning professor at Cornell University and author of Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes .

Dr. Sah’s research dives deep into why it’s so difficult to assert ourselves—especially when we’re under pressure. Together, we explored what happens when you stand up to someone, from personal relationships to the workplace, and how it can be life-changing to find your voice.

Why Saying “Yes” Can Cost You

We’re taught from a young age that being “good” means going along with what others expect of us, even when it doesn’t feel right. Dr. Sah talks about how, over time, this people pleasing mindset can leave us drained, muted, and even in positions we really don’t want to be in. 

Research even shows that in critical moments many people stay silent out of fear of being the “difficult one”. This compliance-based mindset isn’t just costing us personally; it can impact our health, happiness, and, in extreme cases, safety.

But here’s where things get good: standing up for yourself isn’t just about saying “no.” It’s about aligning your actions with your values and giving yourself permission to protect your well-being. 

What Really Happens When You Stand Up to Someone?

Standing up to someone, especially someone in authority, triggers a unique type of anxiety called insinuation anxiety . It’s that discomfort we feel when we don’t want to imply distrust or question someone’s integrity—especially someone in a position of influence like our doctor or boss. Insinuation anxiety is one of the main reasons why many people don’t speak up, even when they’re witnessing mistakes or decisions that could be harmful.For example, studies have shown that nearly half of airplane crew members hesitate to speak up when they notice a mistake by their superiors, and many healthcare workers remain silent when they see colleagues make errors. This fear of “rocking the boat” holds us back, even in situations where staying silent could have serious consequences.

How Healthy is Your Self Esteem? Take the Quiz!

Defying with dignity: a roadmap to self-advocacy.

Dr. Sah’s new book outlines her five-step framework for defiance, and friends, it’s brilliant. Here’s the gist:

1. Feel the Tension – Listen to that gut feeling that tells you something’s off.

2. Acknowledge It – Consciously recognize your discomfort rather than brushing it off.

3. Express It – Start small. You don’t have to be confrontational; just saying, “I’m not comfortable with this” is a huge step.

4. Stick With It – Be ready to repeat yourself if necessary. This isn’t about fighting; it’s about holding your ground.

5. Act on Your Decision – Follow through with what feels right for you, whether it’s politely declining or seeking out another option.

This isn’t about throwing down a bold, defiant “NO!” in every situation. It’s about practicing and strengthening your self-advocacy muscles in a way that feels natural for you. Think of it as a skill you can build over time, like any other. Practicing will lead to feelings of self-empowerment and increased confidence which will make saying “no” easier.

Practical Ways to Build Your “No” Muscle

Dr. Sah encourages us to practice standing up for ourselves in low-stakes situations to make it easier when bigger moments come along. Start small, like sending back an incorrect coffee order or declining an invitation you’re just not up for. Little wins build confidence and make it easier to advocate for yourself when it counts.

Ready to Grow?

Having low self esteem can make it hard to stand up for yourself. Is this true for you? Find out by taking my free Self Esteem Quiz! You’ll find out where your self esteem thrives and discover new areas for growth. Take it here.  

And if you’re feeling like it’s time for more support, book a free consultation with me or one of our therapists. Whether it’s for relationship coaching, therapy, or career counseling, we’re here to help you find your voice.

Oh, and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram and YouTube for upcoming live sessions where I’ll dive even deeper into these topics. Join the conversation, ask questions, and let’s work on this together!

Dr Lisa Marie Bobby

PS: Do you know someone who’s always putting themselves last? Share this article with them. We all know someone who could use a little extra encouragement to say “no” and stand up for what they believe in!

Yalçın, B., Baykal, Ü., & Türkmen, E. (2022). Why do nurses choose to stay silent?: A qualitative study. International Journal of Nursing Practice , 28(1), e13010. https://doi.org/10.1111/ijn.13010

Murphy, A. (2001). The flight attendant dilemma: An analysis of communication and sensemaking during in-flight emergencies. Journal of Applied Communication Research , 29 (1), 30-53. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00909880128100

Reik, T. (1968). The psychological meaning of silence. Psychoanalytic review , 55 (2), 172. https://search.proquest.com/openview/fdbc85a4f2e0f95fdfc60eec7111d1d1/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=1820904

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How to Stand Up for Yourself

Sticking up for yourself is no easy task. but there are concrete skills you can use to hone your assertiveness and advocate for yourself..

By Psychology Today Contributors published July 2, 2024 - last reviewed on July 8, 2024

In February 2023, Cally Caillouet went to the emergency room with the worst headache of her life. The doctor gave her migraine medication and sent her home. “It was completely written off as a migraine, even though I hadn’t had a migraine in years,” Caillouet says. Days later, in indescribable pain and struggling to see, she returned to the ER. The doctor insisted she was having a migraine. “I felt this sense of impending doom. I thought, I’m not going to die just because a doctor doesn’t want to go the extra mile,” Caillouet says.

So she pushed back and fought for a CT scan. The scan showed a blemish, and a subsequent MRI revealed a massive blood clot. If she’d waited a day or two later to get treatment, she likely would have had a stroke or died. “I advocated for myself, and it genuinely saved my life,” Caillouet says. “That experience has made me much more assertive in my own care.”

A Recipe for Assertive Behavior

How to find “the Goldilocks zone”—not too passive, not too aggressive.

By Jeremy Shapiro, Ph.D.

Assertiveness is a vital social skill and core component of emotional intelligence . When two people’s needs are in conflict, no solution can be adequate unless both sets of needs are addressed—at least to some extent—and that’s what assertiveness is all about. It doesn’t mean both people get what they want, but there is an attempt to acknowledge, respect, and try to meet both people’s needs while taking care not to make things worse.

Possible responses to conflict exist on a spectrum. At one extreme, there is aggressive behavior, in which the person behaves as if only her feelings and goals are important, and the other person’s needs don’t count.

At the opposite extreme, there is submissive or passive behavior, in which the individual behaves as if only the other person’s feelings and goals are important, and his own needs don’t count. The submissive person might not believe this, but he behaves as if he does by not doing anything to advance his agenda. Submissive behavior can be the result of intimidation and fear , but often the threat of harm lies less in external reality than in the person’s mind.

The middle of the spectrum—the Goldilocks zone—consists of assertive behavior. The person behaves as if both her own and the other person’s needs are valid and important, so there should be an effort to work things out. This quality of even-handedness means the word fair is practically a synonym for assertiveness, because this type of behavior is fair to both others and to the self. The solution to the problem of aggression is the same as the solution to the problem of passivity: assertive behavior.

As a therapist, I have seen that clients on both ends of this spectrum are afraid of the opposite side. People who have problems with aggression usually fear being perceived as weak, which they believe will result in being walked all over. People who have problems with passivity are usually afraid of being perceived as pushy, selfish, and rude, which they believe will make other people mad at them. There is some validity to both fears. But fortunately, once we move past black-and-white thinking, there are options involving balanced blends of different components. In the realm of conflict-related behavior, gray means assertive.

The two-sided nature of fairness means that definitions of assertiveness should combine respect for self and respect for others. Two good definitions: “standing up for yourself without pushing the other person around” and “saying what you’ve got to say without threatening or insulting the other person.”

Assertiveness at Work

Our jobs often confront us with challenges that need to be managed with assertive behavior. There are two main categories: problems with co-workers and problems with bosses. Co-workers present a simpler situation because we are operating from similar positions of power.

One form of conflict with co-workers concerns division of labor. Who is going to do this task? You think she should do it, and she thinks you should do it. To be fair, you should start by considering the possibility that it might be appropriate for you to do the task, and you should hear your colleague’s reasoning. Usually there are two main issues: Who already has more work and whose domain best fits the new task. For example: “I know you’re really busy, but I am overwhelmed right now. I worked late several times last week, and I’m still behind on a big project. I honestly don’t see how I can take this on.” Or, “I see how this is different from your usual responsibilities, but to me it looks related, while it doesn’t seem to fit into my job description.”

Asserting ourselves with our boss might be more difficult because of the power differential. The two-part trick here is to get our points across without seeming to question the boss’s authority. For instance: “Obviously this is your call, but I’d like to give you some information you might not be aware of before you plan how our team is going to tackle this project. Want to hear it?” Or, “Talking about raises is awkward—maybe for you, too—but there are a couple of points that seem important to consider, and I want you to be aware of them while you’re making your decision.”

Using Assertive Language

Assertive speech gives the other person information about your experience of the conflict. This information is of four main types: cognition (your view of the situation), emotion (how you feel about the situation), motivation (what you want to achieve from the outcome), and a proposed plan (ideas for resolving the conflict). Conveying these four elements as well as possible can show the other person where you’re coming from and establish a strong solution.

In conflict situations, “I” statements generally work better than “you” statements. “I” statements tell the other person where you’re coming from, which is important information for them to have. “You” statements make some claim, usually negative, about the other person in the conflict. These likely make the other person angrier and the situation worse. “I” statements are also generally more accurate than “you” statements.

We do not need to be concrete and rigid about this distinction: The word I is not literally required—“It upsets me when______” is an “I” statement—and the word you is not forbidden, as long as it refers to a specific action of the other person, not what they “always” or “never” do. Assertive communication means verbalizing our point of view rather than making judgmental statements about the other person in the conflict.

It might be difficult to articulate this point of view in the midst of a complicated, emotional situation. Here’s a helpful hint: We don’t need to figure everything out, we can just take things one step at a time by making “I” statements about what we know. For example:

• “I have no idea what led up to that scene, but I’m really upset about what happened.”
• “Maybe I’m missing something, but here’s how the situation looks to me.”
• “You might be right about ________, but I need a way to have input into the plans for this event.”

A passive communication style doesn’t work because it doesn’t get our message across. An aggressive style doesn’t work because it causes fear and anger, which interfere with problem-solving. Interpersonal conflicts can be difficult, but assertive communication has the best chance of making things better.

Jeremy Shapiro, Ph.D ., is a clinical psychologist and adjunct faculty member at Case Western Reserve University.

Brandon Bendes is no stranger to self-advocacy: He’s a serial entrepreneur. But it was partly his former work as a hockey referee that helped hone his assertiveness. “When you’re put under a microscope and have to draw a line, one of the hardest places to do it, in my opinion, is on the ice,” Bendes says. “You have to do it in an emotionally charged environment, and you have five seconds to make your point, draw the line, and move on.”

The key to boundaried decision-making —and preventing 12 hulking hockey players from turning on you—is setting expectations collaboratively. As a referee, Bendes met the players ahead of time to align expectations about how the game would be called. He showed respect and listened to their concerns. Then he enforced the expectations they’d set together.

Breaking Down Barriers in Healthcare

Move from despair to strength as you push for change.

By Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D.

When was the last time you found yourself running into a brick wall when you asked someone to help you with a problem? Did you back down immediately or figure out a way to approach the situation from a different angle? It’s hard for some people to keep pushing when it seems that the other person won’t give way—especially when that person is a medical professional. People have become increasingly vocal about experiences of not being believed or understood by their doctors—clearly health, particularly women’s, can suffer as a result.

A recent study published in the International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-being , led by Jane Hutchens at the University of Technology Sydney, explored barriers women face with their healthcare providers. In setting the stage for the study, the authors defined advocacy in a healthcare context as referring both to people’s ability to gain knowledge and use that knowledge to “assertively communicate and make decisions” as well as the “ability to get their needs met in the face of a challenge.” The 24 women in the study had all experienced cardiac problems while pregnant or in their first year after giving birth.

Cardiac problems can lead women to lose trust in a healthcare system that doesn’t give the condition enough attention . Imagine what it’s like to be extremely ill and hospitalized as a parent of a newborn child and now imagine that, even worse, your medical team seems insensitive to your struggles. This is more than a circumscribed problem, though. As the researchers point out, the “complex management ” of the illness over their lifetimes “places significant demands” on these women.

The researchers sought to sift through the women’s experiences to identify any patterns. Through in-depth interviews, four central themes emerged:

• Silent screams . Feeling silenced, the women felt a combination of shock, fear, and confusion, feelings that led them to feel their needs were “lost in a vacuum of impotence.”
• Easier said than done . This theme pertains to the lack of coordinated response the women felt they were getting from their providers. They came up with ideas only to be met with resistance, leading them to feel that they were getting nowhere.
• Crazy-making . When women felt their “lived experiences were denied, it had a pernicious effect,” and things only went downhill. Indeed, one participant stated that “they were telling me that I was going crazy.”
• Concentric circles of advocacy . Finally, the last theme speaks to the resilience of the women in this sample. In time, they learned to take the steps necessary to build strategies, in a circular fashion, to get what they needed. These strategies included their taking logs of their vital health indicators and the emergence of symptoms. They also did their own research on their condition, using that information in a proactive manner.

The final piece of the puzzle became community advocacy. Some organized social media groups or took on a range of projects to raise awareness or provide peer support to other women.

The researchers noted that getting what you want can be a function of personality . Not only do you have to be somewhat assertive (which may not come easily), but you also need to possess knowledge, the ability to communicate, and connections to the resources you’re seeking, like the time and ability to do your own online digging. A dose of self-compassion is also required to achieve your desired objective. By forgiving yourself for feelings of anger, rage, or being made to feel “crazy,” you can avoid the trap of self-blame.

Standing up for your rights is an important attribute when it comes to your health or the health of your loved ones. Knowing the various stages, from frustration to success, and some strategies to deploy can help make sure your voice is heard.

Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D ., is a professor emerita at the University of Massachusetts Amherst.

Heather Kiernan grew up in Missouri in a strictly religious family. Her desire to leave began early—at just 12 years old. Her escape plan started with researching how to get into college. She enrolled in a university, relocated to Memphis, and eventually moved in with her boyfriend, knowing this would be unacceptable to her family. They cut her off.

“I lost everything. That’s when the silence settled in,” Kiernan says. But standing up for herself and drawing this boundary—living outside of the family’s religion—was necessary. She made friends, established a rewarding career in counseling, and met her husband. The couple now live in Florida with three dogs, two cows, and a cat her husband found roaming the Taco Bell parking lot. “It’s important to take a step back and evaluate the situation yourself. Make sure you’re not being dictated to. Know what you want to stand up for.”

• Relationships

How to Defend Your Boundaries

Clear boundaries and assertive behavior are a powerful combination.

By Moshe Ratson, MBA, LMFT

A boundary is anything that marks a limit. In relationships, boundaries define where you end and another individual begins, how each of you relates to the other, and how you are connected—independence, dependence, or interdependence. Setting clear personal boundaries is key to achieving well-being and self-confidence . Boundaries set the standards for acceptable behavior from those around you, defining when they’ve crossed a line, put you down, disrespected you, or taken advantage of you. When your boundaries are unclear or misplaced, you may let in all sorts of unwanted stuff. Boundary violations include things like betraying trust and confidentiality, using another’s property without permission, making demands rather than requests, treating others in a patronizing or condescending manner, and manipulating others for personal gain.

Boundaries serve as your first line of self-defense. When you allow others to violate your boundaries, you give away your personal power, and this can drain you mentally, physically, and emotionally. You may be suffering from problematic boundaries if you feel as if you’re walking on eggshells; you tend to do things you don’t want to do; you often feel disrespected; you find it challenging to express your feelings, thoughts, and needs; you feel obligated to take care of others at the expense of taking care of yourself; or you detach yourself from others because you are afraid of being judged.

Uncomfortable emotions can help you understand where your boundaries are and when they have been violated. Uncomfortable feelings present you with these questions: What is going wrong? What must be protected? What must be restored?

The answers to these questions give you an immediate and honorable way to work with your feelings. They point toward actions that will help reset your boundaries and restore your sense of self.

Practice Assertiveness

Practicing assertiveness is an important element of boundary setting. Assertiveness is the ability to express feelings and thoughts openly and defend your rights directly while respecting the rights of others. It is about taking care of your own needs and wants while considering the needs and wants of others. It is the ability to take responsibility without being controlling. Assertiveness is the balanced space between surrender and aggressiveness.

Assertiveness is empowering. It manifests itself in healthy communication and behavior. It aligns your position with the person you aspire to be. Assertiveness skills are especially effective during angry situations and times of conflict. When you employ assertiveness elegantly, you give power not only to yourself but also to the people you interact with, and this promotes a win-win environment. You can dramatically enhance your well-being, increase your value, and influence others to gain positive results.

Being assertive about what you want affirms your right to want what you want—even if there’s little chance of getting it. When you understand your right to be who you are and ask for what you need, and at the same time you are flexible in your expectations about what you will actually get, you are able to be real and authentic and less attached to the outcome. Assertiveness builds and maintains resiliency and confidence.

Tips for becoming assertive include:

• Aim for open, direct, and honest communication.
• Listen to understand other people’s perspectives.
• Value yourself and your rights as well as others’ rights.
• Accept that you can’t control other people.
• Know and protect your boundaries and other people’s boundaries.
• Express your feelings and needs respectfully.
• Communicate calmly and pay attention to your body language .

When we allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions, understand our needs, and express them assertively, we establish healthy boundaries. We protect ourselves while approaching others with respect and compassion. Establishing healthy boundaries ensures that our relationships are mutually trusting, supportive, and caring—even when we are confronted by challenges.

Moshe Ratson, MBA, LMFT , is a psychotherapist and executive coach in New York City.

Submit your response to this story to [email protected] .

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• Personal Growth

By Gustavo Richards

By Gustavo Richards • Thursday at 04:50 PM

Empowering Sayings About Standing Up For Yourself

Key Takeaways:

• Set clear boundaries
• Prioritize mental health
• Embrace assertive language
• Defend core values
• Empower self-respect

Have you ever felt a strange lump in your throat when someone tried to trample over your boundaries? Maybe you caught yourself saying “yes” to something that felt wrong or demeaning, just to keep the peace. Perhaps you've struggled in romantic relationships or family ties because you believed standing up for yourself meant causing conflict. Yet, quietly swallowing unfair treatment only builds resentment and chips away at your sense of self-worth. When someone crosses your line, you deserve the power of your own voice. That's where effective sayings about standing up for yourself come in.

Words hold power. Boundaries often crystallize in the phrases you choose. Psychology recognizes the importance of direct communication to strengthen one's sense of autonomy and self-esteem. According to research in assertiveness training, learning how to articulate needs helps individuals feel in control of their lives, reduces stress, and even improves overall mental health. Many of us carry old wounds—memories of being picked on in school, manipulated by friends, or undervalued by romantic partners. These past patterns teach us silence, but silence costs us happiness. Consider “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner, where she writes, “Anger is a signal and one worth listening to.” This truth can apply to any emotion that signals a need for clearer, firmer boundaries.

If you've ever stood there, wondering what to say when facing a toxic coworker or a pushy relative, this article can serve as a cheat sheet. The phrases below target different scenarios where people commonly struggle to find the right words. Use these expressions to reclaim your sense of worth and dignity. No shouting or cruelty required—just calm, resolute statements that affirm your values, needs, and identity.

Let's explore some of the most powerful expressions, and tweak them where needed. These may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you tend to people-please or keep quiet. Over time, with practice, these sayings about standing up for yourself start rolling off your tongue more naturally. Each phrase can become a tool to bolster self-trust, release suppressed emotions, and cultivate more honest relationships.

You Would Think Bullying, Targeting, and Social Manipulation Would End After Childhood

Many people assume that cruel behavior disappears once we leave the playground. The sad reality: bullying exists in adulthood, often in subtle forms—condescending remarks from relatives, workplace gaslighting, or manipulation by so-called friends. Social psychology refers to this phenomenon as relational aggression. Instead of physical force, individuals use words and social tactics to control or diminish another person. The fear of confrontation can keep us stuck, but assertive communication helps break these patterns. We must acknowledge this truth: we continue facing bullies well into adulthood. Why not come prepared with the right words?

1. “My Family Stays My Top Priority.”

Your family—be it the one you were born into or the one you've created—often represents a core anchor in your life. When someone attempts to interfere with your time or energy dedicated to loved ones, calmly stating this phrase sets an immediate boundary. It says, “I care deeply about those closest to me, and I won't compromise on that.”

Psychologically, you reaffirm your attachment bonds and communicate your non-negotiables. This phrase also clarifies your values, making others think twice before guilting you into activities that pull you away from what truly matters.

2. “My Mental Health Comes First.”

In a world that moves at breakneck speed, people often expect you to push beyond your limits. Declaring that your mental health comes first reinforces self-respect. Notice how it's direct and unyielding. You're not apologizing for caring about your emotional well-being; you're stating a fact.

Clinical insights in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy suggest that identifying and asserting your emotional needs can reduce anxiety, improve mood, and enhance resilience. By placing mental health at the forefront, you challenge stigma and inspire others to respect emotional boundaries. Consider Brené Brown's words in “Daring Greatly,” where she emphasizes the importance of vulnerability and authenticity. Identifying your mental health as a priority stands as a form of honesty—a brave move that encourages healthier relationships.

3. “Two Wrongs Never Justify Each Other.”

When someone tries to excuse bad behavior by pointing out another's wrongdoing, call it out. This statement shows you won't entertain manipulative comparisons. It's common in arguments for a person to deflect blame by mentioning a past offense against them, effectively justifying their actions.

From a conflict-resolution standpoint, this phrase encourages accountability. It signals that you won't allow the conversation to derail into tit-for-tat arguments. It elevates the discussion above petty score-keeping, focusing instead on a standard of respect and fairness.

4. “I Worked Too Hard To Accept Disrespect.”

This line packs power because it reminds both you and the other person of your worth and effort. You've invested time in personal growth, career development, or nurturing relationships. Nobody should trivialize that. When someone belittles you, this phrase asserts: “I value myself.”

Assertiveness training in psychology highlights the importance of crediting your own worth. Doing so wards off feelings of inferiority. When you utter these words, you stand tall. You reclaim confidence and signal that belittling remarks will find no foothold in your life.

5. “That Challenges My Core Values.”

Your beliefs form your moral compass. When someone urges you to do something against your principles, state this phrase. It's a diplomatic yet firm way to say, “I'm not budging on this.” This expression sets a boundary by connecting your refusal to something stable and unwavering: your values.

Research in moral psychology suggests that people respect boundaries more when you anchor them in deeply held beliefs. Instead of appearing arbitrary, your stance becomes meaningful and authentic. Standing up for yourself also includes standing by what you hold dear.

6. “I Won't Allow That Anymore.”

This phrase wastes no time. It calls out problematic behavior and states a clear limit. If someone keeps repeating an action that hurts you, let them know the party is over.

From an emotional regulation perspective, doing this liberates you from repeated patterns of victimization. It sends a message: You see their behavior, and you've decided to draw a line. You won't merely hope they stop—you're actively preventing further harm.

7. “I Can No Longer Trust Your Intentions.”

Betrayal and broken promises corrode trust. If someone consistently disappoints you, don't brush it under the rug. Acknowledge that trust has cracked. While it sounds harsh, it informs the other person that their actions have long-term consequences. You're not holding a grudge; you're stating a fact about how trust works.

In psychological terms, trust violations lead to deep emotional wounds. Acknowledging the breach encourages accountability and may spur the other person to reflect. It also protects you from being too naïve or continuing to invest in a toxic dynamic.

8. “That Behavior Won't Stand Here.”

When guests or acquaintances push boundaries in your home, this phrase sets the rule. Your home is your sanctuary. Defend it with pride. Whether it's a dinner guest making offensive jokes or a friend disrespecting your property, you have every right to maintain your safe space.

This statement asserts leadership over your environment. The home environment can either nurture or stress you out. By ensuring people abide by respectful norms, you preserve harmony. Psychology recognizes that your immediate environment affects mood and mental health; maintaining control over it supports your well-being.

9. “I'm Not Extending An Invitation.”

It may feel unpleasant to exclude someone, but sometimes it's necessary. Perhaps they bring nothing but chaos to gatherings. Perhaps their presence feels unsafe or manipulative. Stating this upfront frees you from guilt and confusion. You clarify that you control who enters your circle.

In relational terms, you're taking charge of who shares your energy. Boundaries aren't always comfortable. Sometimes they mean making tough calls. This phrase counters the fear of appearing “mean” by reframing the situation as self-preservation. Not everyone deserves a place in your intimate space.

10. “Your Concern Doesn't Affect Me.”

People often try to dictate your life choices—career moves, relationship decisions, lifestyle preferences—based on their judgments. This phrase steps back from their narrative. It declares that their worry or criticism does not sway you.

Empowerment often comes from rejecting the notion that you must please everyone. You show you trust your judgment. Psychology suggests that internal locus of control—believing you steer your own life—increases life satisfaction. By refusing to let others' opinions define you, you shape your path.

11. “That's Beyond My Spending Limit.”

Financial boundaries matter. Friends, partners, or relatives might press you into expensive dinners, extravagant trips, or buying gifts beyond your means. Standing up for yourself includes managing your resources responsibly.

This phrase does two things: It guards your financial well-being and signals that you refuse to bend to financial pressure. People often suffer silently through money stress, but stating a budget limit sets a healthy boundary. It's an act of self-care, acknowledging that financial security matters to your mental health.

12. “But You Stated Before ________.”

Inconsistencies and contradictions can confuse and manipulate you. Suppose someone shifts their story or moves the goalposts. Politely call them out. Remind them of their previous words. It keeps them accountable and reduces their ability to gaslight you.

Gaslighting—a form of psychological manipulation—erodes your self-trust. By calmly pointing out their earlier statement, you resist feeling disoriented. You regain control of the narrative and stand firm in reality, protecting your mental and emotional integrity.

13. “I Need Some Space.”

Sometimes you need distance—time away from arguments, people, or social obligations. Taking breaks prevents burnout and emotional overwhelm. You confirm that you can choose when to engage and when to disengage.

Psychological research shows that setting limits on your availability preserves mental health and reduces stress. This phrase encourages self-care. It explains that stepping back doesn't mean you're giving up; you're simply recharging and regaining perspective. In a world that demands constant connectivity, valuing solitude helps you stay grounded.

14. “Your Words Cause Me Pain.”

Honesty can dismantle harmful communication patterns. If someone's words sting, don't bury the hurt. Naming the pain humanizes your perspective. It reminds the other person that their speech has emotional consequences.

Studies in interpersonal communication show that naming emotions encourages empathy. Instead of lashing out, you reveal vulnerability. While vulnerability can feel risky, it can also shift the dynamic from combative to understanding. You stand up for yourself not by attacking, but by shedding light on how their words affect you.

15. “Using Profanity Earns No Affection.”

Sometimes humorous delivery works well when setting a boundary. This phrase stands firm while also injecting a bit of levity. It sends a clear message: If someone wants your warmth or intimacy, they must treat you respectfully.

The playful tone doesn't weaken the boundary. Instead, it can diffuse tension and invite reflection. It shows that boundaries can wear different faces—serious, calm, even witty—as long as the message remains consistent: You deserve respect.

These phrases all share one common thread: clarity. Vague protests or subtle hints often get ignored, leaving you feeling powerless. Direct, honest language ensures others understand exactly where you stand. This approach, grounded in theories of assertiveness and personal autonomy, prevents confusion and lowers stress.

But what if these statements anger people, or if they push back? Keep in mind that setting boundaries isn't about pleasing everyone. Some might resist when you step into your power. Expect pushback from those who benefited from your silence. Over time, though, healthy relationships adapt to respectful limits. Unhealthy connections may fall away. Either outcome supports your long-term well-being.

Overcoming the fear of standing up for yourself often involves self-reflection. Ask yourself: Why does saying these words feel scary? Are you worried about judgment, conflict, or abandonment? Addressing these fears reduces their power. Therapists often guide clients through role-playing exercises to practice assertive communication. The more you rehearse, the easier these words flow.

Using these sayings about standing up for yourself can transform personal dynamics. They serve as building blocks of self-esteem. In turn, heightened self-esteem leads to a sense of control and peace. Emotional well-being thrives when you trust your instincts and express them openly. You start seeing yourself not as a victim of circumstances, but as an agent capable of shaping your interactions.

There's no shortage of literature and research highlighting the link between assertiveness and mental health. Embracing honest, clear language to shield your well-being resonates with principles in Positive Psychology. Instead of viewing boundaries as selfish, consider them acts of kindness toward yourself. Healthy boundaries let you show up authentically in relationships, reducing resentment and increasing mutual respect.

Think of these phrases as muscles you're building. The first few times you say them, you might tremble or second-guess yourself. That's normal. Keep at it. Over time, these statements become second nature. They reflect your growth, your journey toward healthier self-expression.

If past experiences taught you to remain silent, know that changing this pattern takes courage. It might help to jot down a few of these phrases and practice them in front of a mirror, role-play with a trusted friend, or even write them in a journal to internalize their meaning. The end goal is to protect your emotional well-being, establish mutual respect, and foster more honest, supportive relationships.

These sayings about standing up for yourself represent tools, not weapons. You're not out to harm or dominate others. Instead, you use these words to ensure others do not harm or dominate you. Words serve to clarify, to confirm your value, and to safeguard what matters most. The journey might feel rocky at first, but every time you speak up for yourself, you reaffirm your worth. That's what building healthy boundaries is all about.

Recommended Resources

• The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner
• Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
• Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
• Your Perfect Right by Dr. Robert Alberti & Dr. Michael Emmons
• relationships
• personal-growth

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How to stand up for yourself (and why you find it so difficult)

Resources blogs how to stand up for yourself (and why you find it so difficult).

For some of us, standing up for ourselves doesn’t come naturally – in fact, it might even feel impossible. Maybe you’re someone who doesn’t like to “rock the boat” so you swallow any opposing thoughts or feelings to avoid confrontation. 

Going along with what other people want just feels like the better – or easier – thing to do.

But when we allow  people to walk all over us , it’s going to leave us with a bad taste in our mouth. We’re going to be left with anger and resentment. We might wonder why people are so inconsiderate… Why they don’t just know what we want. 

Standing up for ourselves is about having boundaries, and importantly, knowing how to assert them. When we don’t do this, we become passive – we allow life to just “happen”, often trampling over us along the way.

If you find it difficult standing up for yourself, you’re probably out of touch with your own needs – and overly attuned to other people’s. When this happens, you leave yourself wide open to being taken advantage of.

You might relate to any of the following:

• You fear you’ll be faced with rejection or anger if you don’t give in to other people’s wants and needs. 
• The idea of standing up for yourself fills you with dread. You know that deep down you want to say something but the words don’t come. Or maybe they do come, but further down the line, at the wrong moment and in a burst of anger and frustration.
• You generally prefer to play second fiddle instead of taking the limelight.
• You likely overcommit yourself at work e.g. working long hours, taking too much on etc.
• You feel lost or directionless
• You avoid confrontation at all costs
• You might feel guilty when you do manage to stand up for yourself
• You’re a people-pleaser. In fact, you’re comfortable pleasing everyone but yourself.

Why do I struggle to stand up for myself?

The first step in learning how to stand up for yourself is to understand why you feel this way. Regardless of whether you’re more naturally introverted or extroverted, expressing and asserting yourself should be relatively instinctive. When it’s not – and when it feels overly-challenging – it’s usually rooted in the past.

Somewhere along the line you might have learnt that it was bad to have needs or that your needs weren’t as important as other people’s. This belief might be so deep-rooted that you’re not even aware of it at a conscious level. But deep down, it holds you prisoner to the needs and wishes of everyone but yourself.

Perhaps your parents weren’t very tuned into your needs growing up. You might have looked after a parent who was unwell (mentally, physically or emotionally) and who over-relied on you. Maybe you were overly empathic towards them. You worried about hurting their feelings or making them feel bad if you were to express how you felt or what you really wanted.

If you relate to this, you might find yourself grappling with a lot of guilt – perhaps even today.

Alternatively, you may have grown up with very strict parents where standing up for yourself was out of the question. A parent – or both – ruled the roost. When you expressed what you wanted or how you felt, you were shot down – punished, ignored or abandoned. Over time, you learnt to make yourself small, and suppress your needs altogether.

If this feels familiar, you might find yourself in similar relationships today. Perhaps it’s a micromanaging boss, a controlling partner, an emotionally draining friend… We tend to seek out similar dynamics to the ones we experienced in childhood because they feel “familiar” to us. 

How to stand up for yourself and break the pattern

Pinpoint why you find standing up for yourself so difficult – did you relate to any of the above? See if you can clearly identify what experiences in your childhood might have led you to undermine your own needs. When we understand why we behave in a certain way, we open the door to changing that behaviour. 

Make a note of all the ways you might be giving too much – in your relationships, at work, home etc. If you’re not sure, try identifying any areas in your life that make you feel angry or resentful. Once you know where the imbalances are, you can gradually start to level them out, one by one.

Get clear on your needs – if you’re not sure what they are, try brainstorming on a piece of paper, writing statements like, 

“I would really love it if…” 

“I want….” 

“It’s important to me that I feel…” 

Considering – and prioritising – other people’s needs has probably become second nature to you. Shift the focus onto you and what you want. You might find that you need to do this over and over again. The brain is a muscle, it’s going to take time to retrain it into focusing on you.

Start small and build your confidence up slowly – assertiveness is a skill which means you need to practice it. It’s likely to feel scary at first so start with the smaller things that don’t feel so intimidating.

Use “I” statements when asserting yourself – this is rule number one in the healthy communication handbook. Some examples of this in action:

“I don’t appreciate it when you take that tone with me” 

“I sense that you’re unhappy with something at the moment. Please can you let me know what’s wrong?”

“I’m not prepared to talk about this today”  

“I’m overworked at the moment and I need you to delegate some of my responsibilities to other members of the team”.

Expect to feel guilty, and push on through anyway – watch out for any guilt, and simply acknowledge it when it comes. Remind yourself that it’s just an old feeling, and not relevant or helpful right now. If it helps, you can visually imagine yourself locking your guilt away in a cupboard/empty drawer in the house.

Consider whether you might be stuck in any unhealthy relationships – if you are, you need to find a healthier balance. Ideally these relationships will naturally shift into a healthier place as you build your assertiveness. If they don’t, you might want to start therapy or consider walking away. The people who love and care for you will want to see you grow. If they don’t, it’s time to fill your world with people who do.

Your desires and needs are just as important as everyone else’s. They might not have been recognised as such when you were younger but you have the power to make sure that they are now. And as you begin to fight your own corner, you’ll find that things begin to shift in your favour.

Dr Elena Touroni

25 July 2022

"Dr. Elena Touroni is a skilled and experienced Consultant Psychologist with a track record of delivering high-quality services for individuals with all common emotional difficulties and those with a diagnosis of personality disorder. She is experienced in service design and delivery, the management of multi-disciplinary teams, organisational consultancy, and development and delivery of both national and bespoke training to providers in the statutory and non-statutory sector."

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Athena Lazaridou

Athena is a Pilates instructor with 8 years’ experience in the field. After completing a Power Pilates Mat Certification in Athens, she went on to complete the Full Comprehensive Classical Pilates Certification with Equinox in Kensington.  She has been teaching Pilates at Equinox for the past 6 years in addition to her own private clients who she trains both face to face and virtually.

Athena has a passion for helping people get stronger and fitter as well as helping those recovering from injury regain their strength and mobility.  Over the years, she has worked with athletes to incorporate Pilates into their training and improve performance. Athena has also worked with prenatal and postnatal women who may be experiencing depression or other mental health difficulties and used Pilates to facilitate a positive impact on their mental health.

Athena is very passionate about improving physical and mental well-being and has recently incorporated Sound Healing into her work, as she believes it to be one of the best ways of ‘letting go’ and releasing stale energy whilst increasing greater self-awareness.

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Learn how to stand up for yourself and take control of your life

Each day, we find ourselves in situations where we must stand up for ourselves. Maybe the waiter gets your order wrong, someone cuts you off in line, or a coworker takes credit for your work. 

Not every situation warrants the same response. Yet standing up for yourself in seemingly minor incidents and everyday situations can matter for how you feel about yourself and even how others perceive you.

There's an art to standing up for yourself. It doesn't have to be stressful or create conflict . It doesn't have to be done in anger or resentment.

When you speak up for yourself in a way that is calm and matter-of-fact, others take you more seriously . You'll also start to believe in your own worth and agency.

When you stand up for yourself, self-confidence is essential. It helps you to confront the issue, make eye contact with those you're dealing with, and look out for your well-being.

But not everybody is a naturally asser tive person. It can take time to learn why and how to stand up for yourself. It takes practice. Luckily, there are plenty of opportunities to improve on this dimension .

Why should I learn how to speak up for myself?

Learning to stand up for yourself means that you're looking out for your well-being and bettering your mental health. You’re defending your self-worth when you take up this action. 

When you're too passive under difficult situations, you may feel like you've let yourself down. If your  inner critic is telling you  that you're letting people walk all over you, you won't feel good about yourself. And you may eventually over-react with anger or resentment.

Instead of bottling up all your thoughts and emotions, aim to share your point of view and use your voice to support your beliefs.

Standing up for yourself also means learning to set boundaries . If you identify as a people pleaser, changing the pattern from pushover to assertive communicator requires intentionality.

Be deliberate about how you want to be more assertive. To avoid getting overwhelmed, start with something specific and manageable: pick just one setting where you'd like to start and script it out.

Learning to stand up for yourself and becoming comfortable with it takes time. Even if it's your knee-jerk response to stay quiet and go with the flow, it may be helpful to build up your assertiveness as a tool that you can use whenever you want the power to speak up for yourself.

Why do I struggle with standing up for myself?

People can struggle to stand up for themselves for various reasons. Your family experience and sociocultural background play a significant role in speaking up for yourself. Perhaps you had a strict childhood and, in order to avoid the consequences of breaking or testing certain rules, you were less inclined to speak up and use your voice.

If you were meant to feel small and your voice was taken away in your home, your self-esteem may not be strong enough to stand up for yourself. 

When we stand up for ourselves and our rights, resistance from others and conflict may arise.

Or, we may perceive conflict where it isn’t. Often, people who struggle to speak up for themselves view any friction as conflict when it may actually be minor resistance. 

But some degree of friction isn't always a bad thing, and sometimes it's unavoidable or necessary to get things done. It shows you're setting your boundaries and advocating for your own needs. And studies show that you’re more likely to think you’re being too assertive when you’re doing it properly.

We all struggle with things. It's part of life.  At  BetterUp , we help people navigate their struggles with clarity, purpose, and passion and learn how to build skills and helpful habits. Standing up for yourself is an important part of that process.

8 ways to speak up for yourself

Learning how to stand up for yourself and use your voice can help you feel better about yourself . It’s common to feel nervous about approaching conflict or tense situations. Once these moments pass, they can teach us a lot about ourselves. Plus, we can feel proud of ourselves for meeting conflict head-on. Plus, you can feel proud of yourself for meeting conflict head-on.

Practice can help you strengthen your voice and advocate for yourself more effectively. Here are eight ways to speak up for yourself: 

1. Understand that saying no can be a good thing

There’s nothing wrong with saying no to people. If you're in an environment that makes you uncomfortable or when you feel strongly disagreed with something (but keep in mind that discomfort isn't always a bad thing- it's part of growth),

An example of this is if a coworker asks you to take on more work than you're capable of doing. You can explain that you already have a full schedule and can't take on anything else. Asserting realistic and healthy boundaries is one of many ways to look out for your mental health. Part of preventing burnout involves saying no when necessary.

2. Emulate words with your body’s posture 

How you present yourself to others as you speak can also impact your assertiveness — slouching or mumbling don’t help you get your point across. Try to amplify your confidence with your body language . Stand up straight, speak firmly and calmly, and maintain eye contact while you’re speaking. 

3. Stay true to your words

After you've set boundaries and advocated for your own needs, you may feel the need to apologize. Unless you said or did something that was indeed wrong or disrespectful (which can happen when emotions are heightened), try your best to ignore this feeling. You can be straightforward and assertive without apology. If you feel like you need to justify your request, skip the "I'm sorry, but" part. Clearly state what's on your mind without embellishing or diminishing your intentions with an apology.

4. Practice when you can

Learning to stand up for yourself may take you a few tries to become comfortable. Think of it as assertiveness training . It may sound obvious, but the more times you do it, the easier it will be when you're in difficult situations. Practice and repetitions will get you into a rhythm of speaking publicly with confidence. 

Practice sharing your point of view if you have a slight difference in opinion with anyone. It could be something as simple and low-stakes as arguing for the best flavor of ice cream.

5. Consider how you could be giving too much

Giving your time and energy to people is great, but don’t overdo it. If you do, may start taking it for granted.

Reflect on your relationships and think about where there's an imbalance. Does one of your friends make you feel angry when they ask you for outlandish favors all the time? Do you still say yes?

Once you start figuring out where you put others' needs in front of your own, you'll know where to stand up for yourself. Find the right time to change the dynamic between you and this person by starting to set clear and healthy boundaries.

6. Know when to leave

If another person makes the environment toxic, it may be best to step away for a moment or leave for good. A shouting match is hardly a productive environment for meaningful discussion or exchange of ideas. Exit the room, get some fresh air, and make sure you're safe from physical harm. Walking out isn't a form of surrender but rather self-care. You're looking out for your well-being and safety.

7. Take your time with your response

You’re under no obligation to to respond in the moment to everything people do or say. If you can, take a moment to digest what kind of situation you're in and think about how you're feeling.

Think about what insecurities might be impacting you right now. You have the agency and power to determine both when and how you choose to deal with specific situations. It doesn't have to be in the blink of an eye. It can be at a later time, when you've had a moment to reflect and plan your next move.

8. Remind yourself that you deserve respect

People who allow themselves to be pushovers often lack self-esteem. Each of us deserves to have others respect us and our personal boundaries--but only if we communicate those boundaries clearly; we can't expect others to be mind readers. Earning respect from our coworkers, friends, families, and partners does not always come naturally, but by practicing assertive communication it can become easier.

Opportunities to stand up for yourself

If you aren't used to empowering yourself and speaking up, it can be tricky to identify opportunities to do so. 

Here's a list of common examples of when you might want to stand up for yourself:

• When someone is belittling you
• In leadership positions at work
• When you're exploring your passions  
• When you need a break and can't take on more work
• If you’re in an unhealthy relationship
• If someone is wasting your time
• If you know something something is done incorrectly or inefficiently
•  If you observe something that is unethical or not in alignment with your values
• If you feel like your voice is not being heard

Practicing speaking up for yourself

These tips are designed to help you underst and how to stand up for yourself nex t time you need to. If you’re ready to start building up your assertiveness, at BetterUp , our coaches can help you find your voice and reach your fullest potential. Reach out to partner with a specialized BetterUp Coach and see how you can flourish with your newfound confidence. 

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Dawid Wiącek

Nicknamed “A Ted Lasso for your career,” Dawid Wiacek is a tough-but-kind executive coach, career coach, and communication coach. Having traveled to 35+ countries, he brings a global perspective to help his clients get out of their own way, conquer doubts and excuses, embed innovation and creativity into their daily work, and bring their best selves forward. Dawid works with executives and emerging leaders to optimize their collaboration, communication, public speaking, leadership and management skills. He has worked successfully across all functions and industries, with a particular affinity for creative, marketing, tech, healthcare, consumer goods, and nonprofit sectors. Offering a consultative approach to coaching, he harnesses the benefits of emotional intelligence but crafts his practice around action-based, forward-thinking momentum. Dawid’s work has been featured on Entrepreneur, MSNBC, FOX Business, AARP, U.S. News & World Report, and more. He calls White Plains, NY home, and enjoys running and long walks with Nacho, his chihuahua-pit bull mix.

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